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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
early birds
post Posted: Apr 13 2021, 10:17 AM
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There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.

The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:



SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations. " But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say "Good Job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.



FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1.. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2.. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3.. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4.. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5.. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



BONUS RULES:

1.. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

2.. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

3.. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.

===================

not Friday, but it is something that can make people smile... tongue.gif


Said 'Thanks' for this post: nipper  surfer  henrietta  
 
surfer
post Posted: Apr 4 2021, 01:56 PM
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Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,

'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........


Said 'Thanks' for this post: triage  
 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 31 2021, 01:49 PM
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Now that I'm old and slow and on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system. I also decided to turn off my external lights and resigned from Neighbourhood Watch. To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each corner and have the black flag of ISIS in the centre. It’s so good now, my neighbours, Local Police, the Federal Police and the Armed Forces are all keeping watch on the house 24/7. In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go. I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month

 
surfer
post Posted: Mar 22 2021, 10:11 AM
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Hmmmm predictive text

Hi, Fred,

This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.


The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that’s no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much….I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won’t happen again.

Please come up with a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Alan.


The Result

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbour.


The Second Message

Hi, Fred,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out, as I’m sure you noticed that my Auto correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’.

Technology, hey?!?

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.


Said 'Thanks' for this post: early birds  henrietta  
 
nipper
post Posted: Feb 26 2021, 03:04 PM
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A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender; "one whiskey and…… um …..one coke".
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know. I was born with them", says the bear.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne
 
surfer
post Posted: Feb 12 2021, 11:33 AM
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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.


He was in hospital, in agony.


He was in ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring his every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.


He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.


The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable.


“You….. May… Not… Feel…. Anything…. From…. The… Waist… Down.”


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,"Can I feel your breasts then? “



Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 


surfer
post Posted: Feb 8 2021, 12:44 PM
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A son moved away to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue.


A few months later, his father received a call from his son.


"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.


About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired.


'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.


They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.'


'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrived.


But our hero noticed an impending problem.


At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First, he gave the dog to a nice family.


Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!


' Dad,' the boy said.


'I have some grim news.


Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal.


Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''


The father groaned and whispered,


'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!''


' I sure did, dad! '


' That's my boy!'


The lad went on to become a successful lawyer.




Said 'Thanks' for this post: Pendragon  
 
surfer
post Posted: Feb 5 2021, 12:23 PM
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Spanish Magic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_Qoo6qoY_I


Said 'Thanks' for this post: rlane  triage  
 
early birds
post Posted: Feb 5 2021, 08:24 AM
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Now some important philosophical questions on life:



Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?



Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?



Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?



Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?



EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?



Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?





You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...



We all need to smile every once in a while.


Said 'Thanks' for this post: tombeet  henrietta  
 
surfer
post Posted: Feb 3 2021, 10:21 AM
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How a Stimulus package works.


It's a slow day in town, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.


A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.


As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.


The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.


The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.


The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.


The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.


The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.


At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......


However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.


*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works*

 
 


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