A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh

[nipper]

In Reply To: henrietta's post @ Dec 17 2020, 07:55 AM

reminds me of the old Three Ronnies joke (and I am paraphrasing) (better heard than read)

Ronnie Barker : "...and of course, my three children; George, Bernard and Shaw."
John Cleese : : " Shaw?"Ronnie Barker : (emphatically) "Positive!"

[nipper]

So, 2020 won?

https://youtu.be/PLxqH6Rq0Lw

[surfer]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[surfer]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher

[rlane]

Word of the day

Hypercapnia

Symptoms
unexplained feelings of confusion
abnormal feelings of paranoia or depression

How do you get it
when you have too much carbon dioxide (CO2) in your bloodstream.

[henrietta]

I guess this isn't funny, but I'm not sure where it should go.

LGBTQIA+

I guess with the + sign, they've just about got it all covered.

Cheers
J

[surfer]

Proof reading is a lost skill......


Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."

• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[surfer]

Donating Blood in Scotland



A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.



Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for his giving his blood, a new BMW, 5-carat diamonds and $50,000 dollars.



A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.



The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.



"To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now.

[rlane]

Charlie does a pretty good lip sync

https://www.bitchute.com/video/Ndrwql3LKPAs/

[surfer]

A sneak peek of the new James Bond movie - Golden hair

Someone went to an awful lot of work to put this together and did a great job matching words with the mouths. The little sublime things, like a hairpiece flying off when he jumps off a dam, are terrific! Be sure to have your volume turned up. I understand this picture is going to be nominated and win best picture, best actor and best director in the forthcoming Academy Awards. Be the first to see the new James Bond Movie 'Golden hair!!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKf0k482PZQ