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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
post Posted: Feb 12 2021, 11:33 AM
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Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in hospital, in agony.

He was in ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, an oxygen mask, wires monitoring his every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realised that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable.

“You….. May… Not… Feel…. Anything…. From…. The… Waist… Down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,"Can I feel your breasts then? “

Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
post Posted: Feb 8 2021, 12:44 PM
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A son moved away to college, taking leave of his family and the family dog, Blue.

A few months later, his father received a call from his son.

"Dad," he said, "there's an amazing program here that teaches dogs to talk!"
That's amazing!' his dad said. 'How do I get Blue into that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the son said. 'I'll get him into the course.'
So his father sent the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the boy called home again.
'So, how's Blue doing, son?' his father enquired.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the dogs how to read.'

'Read?' exclaimed his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him into the class.'
The money promptly arrived.

But our hero noticed an impending problem.

At the end of the year, his father would find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.
Then, finally, he came up with a plan. First, he gave the dog to a nice family.

Then he went home at the end of the year to see his excited father.
'Where's Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!

' Dad,' the boy said.

'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Blue kicked back in the recliner to read the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still seeing that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groaned and whispered,

'I hope you shot that bastard before he talked to your mother!''

' I sure did, dad! '

' That's my boy!'

The lad went on to become a successful lawyer.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: Pendragon  
post Posted: Feb 5 2021, 12:23 PM
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Spanish Magic

Said 'Thanks' for this post: rlane  triage  
early birds
post Posted: Feb 5 2021, 08:24 AM
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Now some important philosophical questions on life:

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...

We all need to smile every once in a while.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: tombeet  henrietta  
post Posted: Feb 3 2021, 10:21 AM
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How a Stimulus package works.

It's a slow day in town, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.......

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

*And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works*

post Posted: Jan 26 2021, 10:04 AM
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Ordering a Pizza in 2022

CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you
ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni,
mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take
medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According
to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at
Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!


GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of
helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp
and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where
there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6
weeks ago...

Welcome to the future..........

Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  

post Posted: Jan 21 2021, 12:00 PM
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Comment of the day
This shit's worse than the hunger games at this point

post Posted: Jan 21 2021, 10:42 AM
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An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out 'My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!'

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, 'Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?'

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. ‘Yes, I am Jesus' he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him 'I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me..' So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, 'Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?'

Jesus smiles and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus. This the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, 'Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or what?'

Jesus nods and says, 'Yes, I am Jesus.'

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. Oh God, the arthritis is gone,' he says. 'The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove', he exclaims, 'The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a Miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers.'Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp'

Said 'Thanks' for this post: nipper  early birds  
post Posted: Jan 1 2021, 02:37 PM
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In Reply To: henrietta's post @ Dec 17 2020, 07:55 AM

reminds me of the old Three Ronnies joke (and I am paraphrasing) (better heard than read)

Ronnie Barker : "...and of course, my three children; George, Bernard and Shaw."
John Cleese : : " Shaw?"Ronnie Barker : (emphatically) "Positive!"

"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne
post Posted: Jan 1 2021, 11:43 AM
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So, 2020 won?

"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  

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