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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
mullokintyre
post Posted: Jul 7 2020, 09:45 AM
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My old mate , The Scottish Zero (aka Andy McNaught), sent me this. Its an oldie, but still a goofie.
Mick

A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.

He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.

So the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the bank and hands them to the manager saying Will this do? He also produces the cars log book and after a phone call everything checks out fine. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out 5,000 while banks porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.

Over lunch manger tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for 5,000 offering a 120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.

Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the 5,000 and the interest, which comes to 15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow 5,000 from us?"

The Scotsman replies: "Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only 15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"

Aaah - those canny Scots!



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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early birds
post Posted: Jun 20 2020, 11:55 AM
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https://au.yahoo.com/news/vienna-police-fin...-205840251.html


Man fined $800 over 'massive intestinal wind'
Associated Press
Yahoo News Australia3 days ago
A man in Vienna has been fined 500 euros (AU$817) for breaking wind loudly in front of police a move that the Austrian capitals police force was at pains to defend on Tuesday (local time).

The Oesterreich newspaper reported the fine stemmed from an incident on June 5 and the offender was fined for offending public decency.

City police wrote on Twitter of course no one is reported for accidentally letting one go.

They added the man had behaved provocatively and uncooperatively during an encounter with officers that preceded the incident.

=========================

can a person hold on his/her farts, i just imagine the guy who let it go must feel the relieve , but paid $800 bucks for that is expensive .imho
must be feel good through afterwards. lmaosmiley.gif




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nipper
post Posted: May 5 2020, 11:37 AM
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It could be Friday (lost track)


Coronacoaster: The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next (i.e., an emotional coronacoaster).

Quarantinis: Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. These are sipped at “locktail" hour, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

Blue Skype thinking: A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium." Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

Le Creuset wrist: It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

Coronials: As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn."

Furlough Merlot: Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of isolation. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium"

Coronadose: An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis.

The elephant in the Zoom: The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention (e.g., one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background).

Quentin Quarantino: An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot or Wuhan-ker: One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic." Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker"

Goutbreak: The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

Antisocial distancing: Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

Mask-ara: Extra make-up applied to one's eye before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

Covid-10: The 10 lbs.that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve



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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 29 2020, 08:18 AM
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An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late”>
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving the lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife”.

Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 26 2020, 10:59 AM
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Was going to put this in the covid 19 thread, but thought the better of it.
From The onion


QUOTE
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. “Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus, further study has revealed several serious side effects, among them the fact that 100% of these participants also had their heads blown clean off,” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky, explaining that the vaccine had prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls, but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun. “We don’t know for certain if the firearm’s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments, so further study is required. But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Fortunately, we will soon begin human clinical trials on other possible treatments, such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.” In his most recent press briefing, President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had “nothing to lose” if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure.


Standard onion humour.
Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 10 2020, 02:31 PM
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In Reply To: nipper's post @ Apr 10 2020, 01:21 PM

Do you really think you can do a jigsaw for 3 to 5 years?
I couldn't last that long.
Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 

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nipper
post Posted: Apr 10 2020, 01:21 PM
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Bought a jigsaw puzzle the other day. Thought it could keep me busy over the next few months. Opened it up, and it said; "Suitable for 3 to 5 years"



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne
 
nipper
post Posted: Apr 9 2020, 05:37 PM
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In Reply To: mullokintyre's post @ Apr 9 2020, 04:47 PM

common name in Spanish speaking cultures . Bit like Mohammed and variations in Arab lands



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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 9 2020, 04:47 PM
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In Reply To: alonso's post @ Apr 7 2020, 09:04 AM

It seems Jesus was hiding at a party in Venezuela.
From theAustralian
comes a story about the jetsetting elites holding a big party on a carribbean island

QUOTE
Among the young revellers was Jesus Amoroso, son of Mr Mad­uro’s top anti-corruption official, who has been sanctioned by the US Treasury Department for allegedly undermining Venezuela’s demo­c­racy.


Ask and you shall receive.
Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
alonso
post Posted: Apr 7 2020, 09:04 AM
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In Reply To: joules mm1's post @ Apr 6 2020, 05:11 PM

I always thought the way to do it was take drugs then go to space.

I wondered where Jesus was hiding when we needed him.






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"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true"

"What is prudence in the conduct of every private family can scarce be folly in that of a great kingdom." Adam Smith

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