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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
alonso
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 02:31 PM
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In Reply To: surfer's post @ Jul 30 2020, 06:37 PM

It has been said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It might be added, the better the imitation the greater the flattery.



--------------------
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true"

"What is prudence in the conduct of every private family can scarce be folly in that of a great kingdom." Adam Smith
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 01:07 PM
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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a bar.

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a clich walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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surfer
post Posted: Jul 30 2020, 06:37 PM
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The DONALD GOES TO THE VATICAN
Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:
"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope great, great pope.
You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church big church.


I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more
than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very
close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me hes elected for
life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though.

Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.
He told me hes infallible. I said thats great, youll never have to worry
about breaking a hip. And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful.
Apparently a h##***r. I asked him for her number. Didnt catch his answer. Im told
he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesnt look Latino.


"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco
stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are
great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours.


The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody
we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted
by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo.
At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me,
we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells
me I have the greatest eye for the best art. Its natural, just like my incredible
understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they cant believe it.


I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mikes done anything on
velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower.
This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches.
He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on
my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.


When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the
full set. You get one for free every time you take a p**n star to a hotel room.

[pauses]
Unbelievable. Just heard. The lame-stream media is at it again. Fake news.
(Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years
ago. Sad.
Ive already got people looking into this and you wont believe what theyre finding.


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mullokintyre
post Posted: Jul 20 2020, 11:21 AM
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What the hell would they want with a plasterer???"




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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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henrietta
post Posted: Jul 13 2020, 09:25 AM
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From today's Australian .....

QUOTE
Australias leaders have won an award for their pollie waffle. UK website Polifiller (run by publicist Hamish Thompson) has collected the most egregious examples in the eighth annual Worst Political Jargon awards. Its 2020 Hall of Shame includes: Thats a great question, (first name), to flatter the questioner and buy thinking time; Well have more to say about that, a standard get-out for I have absolutely no idea; and Let me make this absolutely clear, which the judges said is a crystal-clear sign they are about to be very unclear. Also on the list: I make no apologies for; Hardworking families; our very own Aussie battler; alongside Shoulder to shoulder; Unprecedented times; and old favourite I was talking to someone in my electorate this week. Honourable mention to pandemic pilates speak: Ramp up, double down, flatten the curve, drive down, level up and Im not going to give a running commentary. PM Scott Morrisons go-to Were all in this together, which the judges said was superficially reassuring, but not true, also scored a thumbs down. As author Damian Barr pointed out in the Wall St Journal: We are not all in the same boat. We are all in the same storm. Some of us are on superyachts. Some have just the one oar.


Cheers
J



--------------------
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." Satchel Paige

"No road is long with good company." Traditional
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Jul 7 2020, 09:45 AM
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My old mate , The Scottish Zero (aka Andy McNaught), sent me this. Its an oldie, but still a goofie.
Mick

A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.

He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.

So the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the bank and hands them to the manager saying Will this do? He also produces the cars log book and after a phone call everything checks out fine. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out 5,000 while banks porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.

Over lunch manger tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for 5,000 offering a 120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.

Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the 5,000 and the interest, which comes to 15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow 5,000 from us?"

The Scotsman replies: "Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only 15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"

Aaah - those canny Scots!



--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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early birds
post Posted: Jun 20 2020, 11:55 AM
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https://au.yahoo.com/news/vienna-police-fin...-205840251.html


Man fined $800 over 'massive intestinal wind'
Associated Press
Yahoo News Australia3 days ago
A man in Vienna has been fined 500 euros (AU$817) for breaking wind loudly in front of police a move that the Austrian capitals police force was at pains to defend on Tuesday (local time).

The Oesterreich newspaper reported the fine stemmed from an incident on June 5 and the offender was fined for offending public decency.

City police wrote on Twitter of course no one is reported for accidentally letting one go.

They added the man had behaved provocatively and uncooperatively during an encounter with officers that preceded the incident.

=========================

can a person hold on his/her farts, i just imagine the guy who let it go must feel the relieve , but paid $800 bucks for that is expensive .imho
must be feel good through afterwards. lmaosmiley.gif




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nipper
post Posted: May 5 2020, 11:37 AM
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It could be Friday (lost track)


Coronacoaster: The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next (i.e., an emotional coronacoaster).

Quarantinis: Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. These are sipped at “locktail" hour, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

Blue Skype thinking: A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium." Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

Le Creuset wrist: It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

Coronials: As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn."

Furlough Merlot: Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of isolation. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium"

Coronadose: An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis.

The elephant in the Zoom: The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention (e.g., one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background).

Quentin Quarantino: An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot or Wuhan-ker: One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic." Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker"

Goutbreak: The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s.

Antisocial distancing: Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

Mask-ara: Extra make-up applied to one's eye before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

Covid-10: The 10 lbs.that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 29 2020, 08:18 AM
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An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late”>
The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving the lecture at this time of night?”
The man replied, “That would be my wife”.

Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Apr 26 2020, 10:59 AM
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Was going to put this in the covid 19 thread, but thought the better of it.
From The onion


QUOTE
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. “Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus, further study has revealed several serious side effects, among them the fact that 100% of these participants also had their heads blown clean off,” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky, explaining that the vaccine had prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls, but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun. “We don’t know for certain if the firearm’s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments, so further study is required. But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Fortunately, we will soon begin human clinical trials on other possible treatments, such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.” In his most recent press briefing, President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had “nothing to lose” if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure.


Standard onion humour.
Mick



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.
 
 


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