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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
surfer
post Posted: Sep 20 2021, 09:56 AM
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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.


‘Hallo, Mr Macron !' A heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you !


We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty !'


'Well Paddy, Macron replied……………. How big is your army ?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven !'


Macron paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'


'Begorrah!' says Paddy………….'I'll have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr Macron, the war is still on, we have managed to get us some infantry equipment !'


'And what equipment would that be Paddy ?' Macron asks……………. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'


Macron sighs amused………'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers, also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.


''Saints preserve us !' says Paddy……….'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day………….'Mr Macron, the war is still on !.............We have managed to get ourselves airborne !


We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well !'


Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat……….. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, my military-bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000 !'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph !' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back, sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day…………….'Top o' the mornin', Mr Macron !............I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really ?..................I am sorry to hear that,' says Macron, 'why the sudden change of heart ?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

 
surfer
post Posted: Sep 9 2021, 11:50 AM
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A city boy, Jimmy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news - the donkey died". Jimmy replied. "Well then, just give me my money back". The farmer said "Can't do that. I went and spent it already". Jimmy said "Okay then, just unload the donkey". The farmer asked "What you gonna do with him?" Jimmy: "I'm going to raffle him off". Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Jimmy: "Sure l can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead".

A month later, the farmer met up with Jimmy and asked "What happened with that dead donkey?" Jimmy: "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two bucks each and made a profit of $898".
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Jimmy: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two bucks back


 
surfer
post Posted: Sep 6 2021, 10:11 AM
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John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.




The World Health Organization has announced that dogs can’t contract Covid-19.




Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.




I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself “That's the last thing I need."




Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.




Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?




A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.




People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.




Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.




What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic.




What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.




A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.




Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.




I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.




What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.




I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.




If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?




Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.




I started with nothing. I still have most of it.




When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?




I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.




Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.




All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.




If all is not lost, where is it?




It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.




If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.




The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.




I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.




I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.




It was so different before everything changed.




Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the post.




Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.



Said 'Thanks' for this post: early birds  henrietta  nipper  
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 27 2021, 04:18 PM
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In Reply To: nipper's post @ Aug 23 2021, 10:27 AM

Aka satire
With the sad death of Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts, our Swinging Sixties correspondent Ms Rowena Ruby Tuesday discovers that the band’s songs still resonate to this day:

(I Can’t Get No) Vaccination: With its hard hitting riff written by Keith Richards after spending three weeks lying in his bed staring at the ceiling during lockdown, and with the snarling vocals of a bored and petulant Mick Jagger, this classic rocker tells the story of a young man desperate to get vaccinated so he can enjoy all the hedonistic joys that western Sydney has to offer. The subversive lyrics perfectly capture the angst of socially alienated young men keen to evade COVID-19 restrictions at the same time as avoiding getting jabbed: “When I’m drivin’ in my car, Outside the 5k zone, Cop stops and asks to see, my Covid information, supposed to have my inoculation, But I can’t get no… I can’t get no… I can’t get no vaccination! I try and I try and I try and I try! Can’t get no… no no no!

19th Nervous Lockdown: Classic Stones single that mocks the older generation of chief medical officers for their single-minded and outdated reliance on restrictions and lockdowns as the only solution to society’s COVID-19 problems. The song is also famous for Bill Wyman’s so-called ‘dive-bombing’ bass line towards the end, inspired by the dive-bombing ratings of Gladys Berejiklian towards the end of her time in government: “You were stuck at home and all alone because they closed the schools, And after that you turned your back on Brad and all his fools, On my first trip I tried to drink my coffee from a flask, But then I realised I couldn’t sip it through my mask, Had to stop! Get back inside! Here comes my 19th nervous lockdown! Here comes my 19th nervous lockdown!”

As Fears Go By: A haunting baroque flavoured ballad that tells the poignant story of a hopeless government that is so determined to scare its population into submission and terrify everybody witless about a flu like virus that it shuts everything down, including all the playgrounds, even though children aren’t at risk from the disease. The song, which reached No. 6 in the charts, was famously written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards for their girlfriend, Marianne Faithfull (this is sloppy journalism, Rowena, how can she be the girlfriend of both of them? - Ed. It was the 60s - Rowena). “It is the evening of the day, I sit and watch no children play-ay-ay-ay, Smiling faces I can’t see, They’re laughter-free, I sit and watch, As fears go by-y-y-y”.

Dear Doctor: An amusing pastiche of the over-the-top tragic love stories that typify country ‘n’ western songs, Mick Jagger sings in a faux American accent the tale of a lapsed anti-vaxxer who is secretly relieved when his fiancee ditches him on their wedding day, which has been postponed yet again due to COVID-19 restrictions. “Oh help me, please doctor, I’m dizzy. There’s a pain where I once had a heart, It’s myo… carditis… did it come from the jab? Are you certain the vax played no part?”

Ventilator Blues: A heavy blues number from the band’s famous double album, Exile on Macquarie Street, the song has been repurposed by the NSW government’s ad agency as the perfect jingle for its latest COVID-19 scare campaign: “When your spine’s cracking and your hands, they shake, Heart is bursting and your head’s gonna break, Nurse’s cussing, temperature soared, Feels like murder on the Covid ward, Unless you got your vaccination, everybody’s gonna need more ventilation.”

It’s All Over Now: The band’s third single and their first No. 1, this jaunty cover of the Bobby Womack original is still the most famous version. The song tells the story of a popular premier who people adored because she trusted them, but then suddenly she betrayed them by imposing unbelievably harsh lockdowns with dire results: “Well, Gladys used to stay up all night long, She made us proud, she made us strong, She topped the polls and that’s no lie, But tables turn and now it’s her turn to cry, Because I used to love her, but it’s all over now!”

Gimme Shelter: This iconic song from Let It Bleed captures the sheer violence, mayhem, chaos and utter helplessness of one of the most turbulent periods in American history, namely Joe Biden’s disastrous evacuation of Kabul: “Rape, murder, It’s just a shot away, It’s just a shot away, yeah, The Taliban is threatening, my very life today, Gimme, gimme shelter, Or I’m gonna fade away.”

Goats Head Soup: Famous Stones album named after the new staple Afghan diet under the Taliban





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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 23 2021, 10:27 AM
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In Reply To: nipper's post @ Aug 20 2021, 02:55 PM

and now there is the T Shirt

https://the-riotact.com/ken-behrens-joins-h...menslink/487904

If you know the suburbs of Canberra, this is quite witty.



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"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 20 2021, 02:55 PM
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Doing the rounds of the national capital. :


https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-08-20/meet...hrens/100393472




--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

Said 'Thanks' for this post: henrietta  Pendragon  
 


surfer
post Posted: Aug 11 2021, 08:31 AM
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A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The reverend told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from

Sex for one whole month."




The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the

husband obviously very depressed.




"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.




"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from

Sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.




The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was

difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The

second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to

abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,

prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal

thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped

it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my

way with her right then and there" admitted the man, shamefacedly.




"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated

the Reverend.




"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at

Bunnings either."



Said 'Thanks' for this post: early birds  triage  
 
surfer
post Posted: Jul 2 2021, 10:36 AM
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A white-haired old man walked into a jewellery store on a Friday afternoon, with a beautiful young lady at his side.




"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said. Our jeweller looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.




"I don't think you understand - I want something very unique" the man said.

At that, our now very excited jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.




"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000". The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.




"How are you paying?" asked our jeweller. "I'll pay by cheque; but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque and you can phone the bank tomorrow and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".




Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweller phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account".




"I know, sorry about that, but, can you imagine what an AMAZING weekend I had!?"




Where there’s a will, there is a way………



Said 'Thanks' for this post: early birds  
 
surfer
post Posted: May 31 2021, 12:01 PM
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old




son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report




on all the street activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason's on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,




'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper's standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!





Said 'Thanks' for this post: nipper  
 
surfer
post Posted: May 20 2021, 12:30 PM
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Once upon a time, (so, obviously a fairytale),


Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them'.

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.'

''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Jane, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Jane took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'

Jane said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-arse attitude, you never will.'


And they lived happily ever after!


Said 'Thanks' for this post: early birds  
 
 


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