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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 07:51 PM
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A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!

 
surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:55 PM
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A little boy got on the bus; sat next to
A man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he
Wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a
Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't
Wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and
Answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls
And two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am
The Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a
While, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and
Put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'


Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:52 PM
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Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!


Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
nipper
post Posted: Sep 2 2020, 03:49 PM
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the longterm harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
alonso
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 02:31 PM
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In Reply To: surfer's post @ Jul 30 2020, 06:37 PM

It has been said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It might be added, the better the imitation the greater the flattery.



--------------------
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true"

"What is prudence in the conduct of every private family can scarce be folly in that of a great kingdom." Adam Smith
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 01:07 PM
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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

Said 'Thanks' for this post: triage  alonso  draughtsman  
 

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surfer
post Posted: Jul 30 2020, 06:37 PM
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The DONALD GOES TO THE VATICAN
Donald took a quick trip to Rome to show his concern for the Pope:
"I met with Pope Francis today. He's a really great pope — great, great pope.
You know he's the leader of the Catholic Church — big church.


“I couldn't believe it when he told me how many Catholics there are. Way more
than I thought. They have churches all over the world; some are very, very
close (so close) to my hotels and golf courses. He tells me he’s elected for
life, probably copying that Xi guy in China. Fantastic idea, though.

Fantastic. It turns out the pope is a lot like me, you never see him with his wife.
“He told me he’s infallible. I said that’s great, you’ll never have to worry
about breaking a hip. And told me about a Mary Magdalene, beautiful girl, beautiful.
Apparently a h##***r. I asked him for her number. Didn’t catch his answer. I’m told
he said it in Latin. I give the guy credit because he doesn’t look Latino.


"He took me into the Sistine Chapel. Beautiful ceiling. Not the usual white stucco
stuff. I don't think too many people even know about this place. The paintings are
great, I'm telling you. Lots of colours.


“The Pope (great guy, by the way, knows more about the Bible than almost anybody —
we got along great, I think he really likes me) told me the whole thing was painted
by this young Italian. I think his name is Mike Langelo.
“At least that's what Francis (we're great friends) called him, I think. Trust me,
we're going to hear more about this guy. He's really artistic, and everybody tells
me I have the greatest eye for the best art. It’s natural, just like my incredible
understanding of science. All the renowned scientists say they can’t believe it.


“I told Frank I'd like to buy some of Mike's art. I asked if Mike’s done anything on
velvet. He'll check (great guy). I'll hang his stuff at Mar-a-Lago or Trump Tower.
This Mike guy needs more exposure. He's too much with the churches.
“He could paint my presidential portrait on the Capitol Dome. Or maybe a mural on
my big, beautiful border wall; but just on our side.


“When we left, the pope gave me a bible. Huge book. (Huge.) I told him I have the
full set. You get one for free every time you take a p**n star to a hotel room.”

[pauses]
“Unbelievable. Just heard. The lame-stream media is at it again. Fake news.
(Fake news.) I just saw something on TV. They claim Mike the painter died 450 years
ago. Sad.
I’ve already got people looking into this and you won’t believe what they’re finding.”


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mullokintyre
post Posted: Jul 20 2020, 11:21 AM
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What the hell would they want with a plasterer???"




--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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henrietta
post Posted: Jul 13 2020, 09:25 AM
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From today's Australian .....

QUOTE
Australia’s leaders have won an award for their pollie waffle. UK website Polifiller (run by publicist Hamish Thompson) has collected the most egregious examples in the eighth annual Worst Political Jargon awards. Its 2020 Hall of Shame includes: “That’s a great question, (first name)”, to flatter the questioner and buy thinking time; “We’ll have more to say about that”, a standard get-out for “I have absolutely no idea”; and “Let me make this absolutely clear”, which the judges said is a “crystal-clear sign they are about to be very unclear”. Also on the list: “I make no apologies for”; “Hardworking families”; our very own “Aussie battler”; alongside “Shoulder to shoulder”; “Unprecedented times”; and old favourite “I was talking to someone in my electorate this week”. Honourable mention to pandemic pilates speak: “Ramp up, double down, flatten the curve, drive down, level up” and “I’m not going to give a running commentary”. PM Scott Morrison’s go-to “We’re all in this together”, which the judges said was “superficially reassuring, but not true”, also scored a thumbs down. As author Damian Barr pointed out in the Wall St Journal: “We are not all in the same boat. We are all in the same storm. Some of us are on superyachts. Some have just the one oar.”


Cheers
J



--------------------
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits." Satchel Paige

"No road is long with good company." Traditional
 
mullokintyre
post Posted: Jul 7 2020, 09:45 AM
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My old mate , The Scottish Zero (aka Andy McNaught), sent me this. Its an oldie, but still a goofie.
Mick

A Scotsman (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.

He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000. The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements, but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.

So the Scotsman opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the bank and hands them to the manager saying “Will this do?” He also produces the car’s log book and after a phone call everything checks out fine. The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while bank’s porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.

Over lunch manger tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple minded Scot from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.

Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us?"

The Scotsman replies: "Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"

Aaah - those canny Scots!



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sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

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