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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
early birds
post Posted: Oct 15 2020, 08:45 AM
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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from NYC, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Detroit, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Boston, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Houston chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from DC., shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
==================

i really laughed!! lmaosmiley.gif


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surfer
post Posted: Oct 4 2020, 12:00 PM
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Subject: Fwd: Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, "what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?"

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”




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surfer
post Posted: Oct 4 2020, 11:58 AM
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1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

5. So what they're telling us is that our chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

8. Whoever decided a liquor shop is more essential than a hair dresser is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.

10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

13. Washed a big load of pyjamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for the week.

 
surfer
post Posted: Oct 1 2020, 05:36 PM
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water..?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead..? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel..! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water..! I should kill you, But I must find water first..!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.

I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Insha Allah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....

"They won't let me in without a f***in' tie..!


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surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 07:51 PM
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A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!


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surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:55 PM
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A little boy got on the bus; sat next to
A man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he
Wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a
Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't
Wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and
Answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls
And two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am
The Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a
While, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and
Put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'


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Featured Stock Stories





surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:52 PM
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Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!


Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
nipper
post Posted: Sep 2 2020, 03:49 PM
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the longterm harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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alonso
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 02:31 PM
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In Reply To: surfer's post @ Jul 30 2020, 06:37 PM

It has been said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. It might be added, the better the imitation the greater the flattery.



--------------------
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true"

"What is prudence in the conduct of every private family can scarce be folly in that of a great kingdom." Adam Smith
 
nipper
post Posted: Aug 9 2020, 01:07 PM
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A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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