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A little Friday humour, OR any day you want to share a laugh
mullokintyre
post Posted: Oct 22 2020, 06:41 AM
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Arnie Schwaznegger , Sylvester Stallone and Daniel Craig were sitting around having a few beers and discussing how they were sick of being type cast as violent he men saving the world all the time.
Arnie says, “Ya, I alvays vanted to play a more challenging role that shows my softer arty side.
Daniel Craig says, “Why don’t we star in movies about musicians?? i would play Edward Elgar, Britains finest composer.”
Sly says, “Yeah, I would play the great Italian Composer, Pucini, maybe even sing a few operettas”.
Arnie just says, “ I’ll be Bach”.

Mick



--------------------
sent from my Olivetti Typewriter.

Said 'Thanks' for this post: surfer  rlane  
 
surfer
post Posted: Oct 21 2020, 12:30 PM
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An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to
Orlando, thinking that he would start by working
his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking
photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone
mounted on the wall with a sign that read,
'$10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along
his way.


Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large
cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.


He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven
and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.


He then travelled all across America, Europe,
England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he
saw the same looking golden telephone, with the
same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see
if Australians had the same phone.


He arrived at Noosa in Australia and again,
in the first church he entered, there was the same
looking golden telephone, but this time the sign
under it read, '40 cents per call.'


The American was surprised, so he asked the
priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them, the price was $10,000 per call.


Why is it so cheap here?'


The priest smiled and answered,

'You're in Australia now, son -

"This is Heaven,"

so it's a local call'.


 
early birds
post Posted: Oct 15 2020, 08:45 AM
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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from NYC, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Detroit, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Boston, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Houston chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from DC., shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'
==================

i really laughed!! lmaosmiley.gif


Said 'Thanks' for this post: surfer  
 
surfer
post Posted: Oct 4 2020, 12:00 PM
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Subject: Fwd: Harrods

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, "what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?"

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”




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surfer
post Posted: Oct 4 2020, 11:58 AM
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1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?

2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.

3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.

4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

5. So what they're telling us is that our chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?

6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.

7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.

8. Whoever decided a liquor shop is more essential than a hair dresser is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.

10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.

11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?

12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.

13. Washed a big load of pyjamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for the week.

 
surfer
post Posted: Oct 1 2020, 05:36 PM
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the spot only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water..?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water here, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead..? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel..! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water..! I should kill you, But I must find water first..!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.

I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Insha Allah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ....

"They won't let me in without a f***in' tie..!


Said 'Thanks' for this post: rlane  Pendragon  
 

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surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 07:51 PM
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A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!


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surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:55 PM
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A little boy got on the bus; sat next to
A man reading a book, and
Noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he
Wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a
Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't
Wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and
Answered, 'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls
And two grandchildren and he
Doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am
The Father of hundreds', and
Went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a
While, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and
Put your pants on backwards
Instead of your collar.'


Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
surfer
post Posted: Sep 18 2020, 01:52 PM
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Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!


Said 'Thanks' for this post: mullokintyre  
 
nipper
post Posted: Sep 2 2020, 03:49 PM
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Sydney.

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the longterm harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?


After several seconds of quiet, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, Wedding Cake.



--------------------
"Every long-term security is nothing more than a claim on some expected future stream of cash that will be delivered into the hands of investors over time. For a given stream of expected future cash payments, the higher the price investors pay today for that stream of cash, the lower the long-term return they will achieve on their investment over time." - Dr John Hussman

"If I had even the slightest grasp upon my own faculties, I would not make essays, I would make decisions." ― Michel de Montaigne

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