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surfer
Posted on: May 13 2019, 10:55 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

An old station hand named Billy was overseeing his mob in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"


Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .....


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.


He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.


As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"


The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."


"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"


"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a mob of sheep.


Now give me back my dog."
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jan 11 2019, 08:34 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

How to handle a phone scam




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_RcITCY0dc


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Nov 25 2018, 12:27 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Excommunicated

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Aug 26 2018, 05:09 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knob-rB35AI
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Aug 26 2018, 10:07 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

THE BANKING ROYAL COMMISSION





Pause for thought



Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."

Immediately all the people in the bank lay on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the situation.



One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner.

The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.

Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.



While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school:

"Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied:

"Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.



After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen".

"Wait, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.



The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.

"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking.

Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.



Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jul 23 2018, 12:39 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Subject: Doctor in Dublin


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant!


"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the turd one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.



"I put drops in her eyes, and sent her to Specsavers.
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jul 8 2018, 04:07 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Enjoy. Max volume!
Subject: Shell Oil commercial - You might forget this is an oil commercial so enjoy the sights, speeds, and sounds of this one.



Here's a link to a Shell commercial shown in Europe.

[b]Can you just imagine the red tape, permits and cost to pull off
this commercial?

Ostensibly, they're selling gasoline, but the cars used in the video steal the show.

Ferrari pulled several of their race cars from various ages out of storage, flew them around the world and filmed them running through the streets of Rome, Rio, New York, Hong Kong, Honolulu and Monaco.

No computer graphics, these are the original cars on the original streets.
[/b]
The best part is the sound from the basso-profundo notes of the early, front-engine era, each scene cuts to a later generation, ending with the wail of a modern F1 car.

[b]Even if you're not a petrolhead, this video will stir the soul.


There's just something about 3 litres and 14,000 RPM!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=1_kwx...4&vq=medium[/b]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=1_kwxzU4wL4&vq=medium
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: May 4 2018, 08:57 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Feb 10 2018, 01:55 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

<h2 class="posttitle icon" style="margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 10px 10px 5px; line-height: normal; border-bottom-color: rgb(200, 200, 200); border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-style: solid; font-stretch: normal;">Today's UK</h2>
It was snowing all last night. So my day went like this:


8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why it wasn't a snowwoman.

8:15 So, I made a snowwoman.

8:17 My neighbours' nanny complained about my snowwoman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it should have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as carrots are veggie food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snowwoman is white.

8:31 The Muslim across the road wants the snowwoman to wear a headscarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 They tell me the broomstick of the snowwoman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter: "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:45 A TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow- women? I reply, "Snowballs" . I am then called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, intent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the country we live in today
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Sep 22 2017, 08:19 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Once in a while we just have to stand back in awe of government.


The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing the greatest amount of free Meals and Food Stamps ever - 46 million people now receive Food Stamps.





Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."



Thus ends today's lesson in irony.


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Aug 28 2017, 01:48 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
[/size]

[size="+0"]So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have? He answered: "Twelve." The agent asked "Where are the others?" The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

He got the house.


MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words…


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Aug 25 2017, 07:16 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Never underestimate how smart oldies are.

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple
is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.

A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jul 26 2017, 07:37 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Did you hear about the Australian senator who went into an italian pizza shop with his mum.
He not only came out with a pizza but an italian citizenship as well
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jan 31 2017, 12:40 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMa0j5A3nWw




Aussie humour at its best


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Jan 31 2017, 12:37 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Dec 10 2016, 02:36 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548


FW: Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States .'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Dec 10 2016, 02:33 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548







Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'




The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.




The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.




The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'




The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.




Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'




The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'




'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.




Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.




'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'




The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Dec 10 2016, 02:30 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548


A lady walks into Harrods.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking, as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Sep 22 2016, 07:44 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

The police came to Paddy's front door last night holding a picture of his wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, Paddy answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
Paddy replied, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: May 15 2016, 12:01 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: May 15 2016, 11:53 AM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: May 11 2016, 06:04 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided to him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18 .
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted!!!!
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce
  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Apr 2 2016, 12:07 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f****g potatoes!"




  Forum: Off Topic Chat

surfer
Posted on: Feb 17 2016, 02:21 PM


Group: Member
Posts: 548

    <h1 itemprop="name">Gold Vulnerable To "Backing and Filling" After Parabolic Move</h1>
    Tuesday February 16, 2016 09:50 (Kitco News) - The gold market is sagging lower Tuesday as the market continues to "correct" following the parabolic rally move higher seen in recent weeks. Since the start of 2016, April Comex gold futures surged over 19% higher into the price peak at $1,263.90, hit on Feb. 11.

    The bulls are tired now. They've just completed a massive sprint. This was no marathon. In technical terminology, the recent move could be termed "parabolic" in nature. Bottom line: a little too far, too fast. Gold is vulnerable to some "backing and filling." The short-term trading crowd is booking profits on their quick trades and gold is finding its legs at the significantly higher price level.

    How has the trend outlook changed? The rally since the start of 2016 is impressive. Let's take a look at the bullish factors:

    • April gold futures are trading above all significant moving average lines from the 20-day to the 200-day, which is a positive signal for the trend following crowd.
    • Gold bulls smashed through a long-term declining trendline, seen on the daily chart. The trendline, drawn in blue, begins at the January 2015 peak. Gold trended lower last year with major peaks seen in May and October. Gold soared above the bear trendline, and climbed above both the May and October price peaks in recent weeks, which is a bullish trend change signal.
    What can gold traders expect in the short-term? In the near-term, gold is vulnerable to a correction and/or consolidation phase. The market is building and finding its new value point at these higher price levels. Daily momentum hit overbought territory. See Figure 1 below. The 14-day relative strength index (RSI) hit the 86% level last week, which marks an overbought reading. If the RSI slips below the 70% line gold will remain vulnerable to consolidation or further downside probing.

    What are the gold price support levels? On the downside, the gold market is currently testing the October high at $1,191.90. That is important initial support. From a bull's vantage point, if that support zone holds firm on a closing basis it would keep the trend outlook strong.

    If sustained declines are seen below $1,191.90, gold will become vulnerable to more significant downside correction. A Fibonacci retracement can be drawn on the latest rally wave, which began at the Jan. 14 $1,071.30 low. The first retracement area or 38.2% roughly corresponds to the October price high. If that zone gives way, the 50% retracement comes in at $1,167.60, with the 61.8% retracement seen at $1,144.90. Technically, gold could retrace up to 61.8% of the move without harming the uptrend, according to traditional Fibonacci theory.



    Of course, gold bulls would prefer to avoid such a deep correction. But, markets do have a mind of their own.

    What's your next move? For traders and investors your timeframe and investment horizon matters most. Short-term traders can see quick in and out opportunities found on the intraday charts. Longer-term investors may want to pinpoint support points and consider potential "buy the dip" opportunities.

    Bottom line: The trend has turned bullish. The burden is on the bulls to defend significant price dips. For now, the October 2015 high is the first line in the sand to monitor.

    By Kira Brecht, contributing to Kitco News;



      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 9 2016, 01:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    9 February 2016

    For Immediate Release

    HALF YEAR PROFIT GUIDANCE & FORWARD GOLD SALES

    • Profit guidance for six months to 31 December 2015 of A$28.7 million

    • Additional forward gold sales of 60,000 ounces at a forward price of A$1,600/oz

    Half Year Profit Guidance FY2016

    The Directors of Ramelius Resources Limited (ASX: “RMS”) are pleased to advise that

    the Company is expected to report a half year pre-tax profit for the six months to 31

    December 2015 of A$28.7 million. Gross margin generated from operations for the half

    year is expected to reflect a surplus of A$25.5 million, an improvement of 231% from the

    A$7.7 million surplus in the previous corresponding period.

    Ramelius advises that the pre-tax half year profit for 31 December 2015 is based on

    internal management accounts and subject to completion of the half year audit review.

    Forward Gold Sales

    The Company has forward sold an additional 60,000 ounces of gold at a flat forward

    price of A$1,600 per ounce. The gold price achieved enables Ramelius to secure a solid

    margin at a time of high price volatility. Total forward gold sales now represents ~50% of

    production compared to ~40% previously and extends over 2 years to December 2017.

    Ramelius Managing Director, Mark Zeptner today said:

    “The half year financial result supports the Company’s claims of continued

    operational improvement, with a steadily performing Mt Magnet gold mine,

    combining nicely with high margin production from the Kathleen Valley operation

    near Leinster. It is also particularly pleasing that the Company has been able to

    complete the upfront capital development of the Vivien project both without drawing

    down on the finance facility and increasing our cash balance all the while.

    The additional forward sales are in line with our risk management strategy by

    delivering a portion of cash flow certainty whilst retaining exposure to gold price

    upside. Locking in a A$1,600 per ounce forward sales price secures a robust

    operating margin at a level that has only been seen a handful of times over the past

    few years.”

      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 5 2016, 02:55 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Worth looking at this stock again, Good reports, nearly $ 40 million in cash and gold and no debt. Bought in a few days ago at 29c. Monthly charts look like going a lot higher.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 18 2016, 07:53 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Looking to buy in around $2-$2.20 mark. Think oil will hit around 25mark before it bottoms
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 18 2016, 08:06 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    When your pets dress themselves… http://bit.ly/doritosdogs #DressUpYourPetDay #ootd
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 15 2016, 01:59 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548


    NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
    when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
    on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

    Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question
    and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use
    of lifelines ever.' After being introduced to the show's host
    Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

    The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'

    A) A Peanut
    B) An Elephant
    C) The Moon
    D) A Car

    Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did
    not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans,
    as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief.
    'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before,
    but I have no idea how large they would be.'

    Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
    Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was
    bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly
    easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

    'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans...
    'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
    Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend
    Betsy, who is an office assistant.

    'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans,
    wasting the first seven seconds of her call.
    'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest?
    B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
    Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.
    Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
    'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

    To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
    advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright.
    So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

    Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favour of
    answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines,
    Evans then made the
    dumbest choice of her life.

    'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the
    too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
    your gut. So, let's see... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

    Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath -
    and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'



      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 15 2016, 01:54 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548


    Dumb as a Box of Rocks

    A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF
    REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS
    :

    A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic
    function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear.
    Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor
    a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

    'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect
    a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

    'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
    anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates,
    that puts you on the track..'

    'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

    Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
    world and died during one of them. Which one?''

    Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh,
    'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?
    I must confess I don't know much about history.


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 20 2015, 12:18 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Excommunicated

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Donation

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the Taxation Department. Can you help us?'

    'I'll try!'

    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will!'


    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . I'm telling everybody!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'


    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Pest Control

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!
    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Marriage Humour

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked.

    The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'

    The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

    Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

    Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 17 2015, 01:15 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Irish Mother's Letter To Son




    Dear Son,



    We are all doing very well.
    You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.


    [b]I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they
    [/b] moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

    This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.



    Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.



    Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

    Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!



    Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save
    him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.



    I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.



    The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.



    We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.



    About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



    John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.



    Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.



    There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.



    Your loving Mum.



    P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 26 2015, 01:12 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Bought in at !.185 couple of days ago and hope that this is the bottom. $ 1 would not surprise me though its good to see directors buying in again.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 12 2015, 03:20 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    BEST CLEAN JOKE EVER
    An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.

    The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

    He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

    To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

    And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

    He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'




    So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

    He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

    The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

    Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

    The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

    The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.




    Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,




    'SUPPLIES!!! !'

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 4 2015, 08:28 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am looking around $2.20 area to buy in again. Will wait and see what happens next few days
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 24 2015, 05:36 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A woman walks into a chemist shop and asks the pharmacist for a bottle of arsenic.

    The pharmacist asks why she wants the arsenic for to which she replies that she wants to kill her husband.

    "Sorry madam" replies the pharmacist but I cannot sell you arsenic to kill somebody

    The woman then whips out a photo showing her husband and the pharmacists wife having sex.

    The pharmacist then replies " Oh I see that you have a prescription then"


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 24 2015, 05:27 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A sad reality ....

    This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

    He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all !!!

    A cook - cooked my meals, my room was cleaned,

    my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym,

    the pool, the library, I could still go to school. . ...

    I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol,? Divorce??????

    Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison.


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 7 2015, 03:17 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Bailed out too early about a week ago but still made a good return. Been caught with these type of stocks before that go up in a straight line. Bought into evn instead
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 11 2015, 09:34 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Outburst in an Irish Courtroom



    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant: "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer...”

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

    The judge stops the proceeding and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

    Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he didn't have one."

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 21 2015, 04:31 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    <h2 class="posttitle icon" style="margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 10px 10px 5px; border-bottom-color: rgb(200, 200, 200); border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-style: solid;">These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.</h2>


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    _______________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you me?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral...
    _________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

    ______________________________________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 3 2015, 08:23 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    ROBBIE MADDISON'S "PIPE DREAM"



    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDi9uFcD7XI
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 20 2015, 12:40 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548



    Martin Aircraft Company Limited (Martin Aircraft) (ASX: MJP) is pleased to announce that it has signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MoU) with US-based AvWatch, Inc. (AvWatch) to demonstrate airborne technology capabilities for the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, United States Department of Defense, and other US federal, state, and local agencies.

      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 20 2015, 12:37 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Sold my last batch at $2.36 and just bought more at $2.10. Am also looking at Around $2 mark as well and will buy more if they go down further
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 28 2015, 06:51 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Try this



    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq2jY1trxqg






      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 28 2015, 06:44 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    who needs a Discovery, Freelander, Defender, Pajero, Isusu, Bravo, Navara, LandCuiser, Prado or Fourunner!
    Here is the DNA of Chrysler/Dodge/Jeep! Better than most current 4X4's
    93 years ago. Unbelievable!
    Click here:
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 18 2015, 07:57 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    How Spain Gets Rid Of It's Idiots!

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/2h-WhhqFjv4?feature=player_%20detailpage


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 9 2015, 02:40 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Beats the heck out of the moronic offerings from the locals.

    http://adsoftheworld.com/media/online/toyota_aygo_crazy
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 4 2015, 09:05 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    <h2 class="posttitle icon" style="margin: 0px 0px 5px; padding: 10px 10px 5px; text-align: left; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Tahoma, Calibri, Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; border-bottom-color: rgb(200, 200, 200); border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-style: solid; position: static; z-index: auto;">How Government / Corporate Management Works</h2>

    "
    The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed from generation to generation, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, other strategies are often tried with dead horses, including some of the following:

    01. Buy a bigger whip.
    02. Change riders.
    03. Threaten the horse with termination.
    04. Appoint a committee to study the horse.
    05. Arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
    06. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included.
    07. Reclassify the dead horse as "living impaired".
    08. Hire an outside contractor to ride the dead horse.
    09. Harness several dead horses together to increase speed.
    10. Provide additional funding to increase the dead horse's performance.
    11. Conduct a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's
    performance.
    12. Declare that the dead horse carries lower overhead, and therefore performs better
    than some other horses.
    13. Rewrite the expected performance parameters for all horses to accommodate the dead one.
    14. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
    15. Sack the jockey
    16. Give the dead horse a performance bonus 17. Seek second opinions on the dead horse.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 2 2015, 05:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Check out this card trick.




    Subject: This Magic Trick will leave you Stunned

    http://1funny.com/magic-trick-leave-you-stunned/







      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 6 2015, 02:14 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


    While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


    Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

    I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

    Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

    I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

    In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

    What could I do but drink it!

    By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 1 2015, 02:16 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Hi Flower,

    I am looking around $2.17 for first support then $2.13 area for bottom support I don't think it will go much lower than this.







      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 21 2015, 08:32 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Kahuana

    You have so much knowledge and common sense mate it is people like yourself who should be in politics and running the country. I agree that when the wheels fall off the American economy the whole world will suffer because of their idiotic and shambolic governing.


      Forum: Investment Discussion

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 15 2015, 12:04 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

    They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'




    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.




    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.




    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'




    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.




    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'




    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'




    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.




    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.




    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'




    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 15 2015, 12:01 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm bbbbloody tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
    The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
    So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
    The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
    The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
    The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
    The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
    The guy says, "Dddeal......Dddo it!"
    The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife's not happy and doesn’t want it anymore. She liked it when I had a penis a foot long. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
    The doctor says, "Ppppiss ooooff. A ddddeal's a dddeal."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 11 2015, 10:27 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Personally I would not be surprised to see the dollar reach around102 and then retrace.




      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 8 2015, 02:04 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am looking around the $1040-$1050 level in next few months before gold turns around again to head higher.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 8 2015, 01:36 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    How to change a light bulb.




    http://www.youtube.com/embed/f1BgzIZRfT8?feature=player_embedded


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 8 2015, 01:35 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    They say the beer adverts are the best, others favour car or insurance commercials. Don't make up your mind until you watch this one!!!

    Very creative and a high rate of difficulty......well done.......

    I wonder how many ‘takes’ it took?

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 3 2015, 12:51 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Years ago Mount Kersey rose from around 2 cents and shot up to over $5. It came down just as quick.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 2 2015, 12:05 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    MJP up 80%. Now $1.40
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 26 2015, 03:19 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I think you can forget about the $1.60 area for awhile flower. I thought they may have retraced back a bit as well but I bought in again around$2.00 and now they are $2.30. No stopping this share.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 26 2015, 09:37 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    In 1981, a young aviation-obsessed university student, New Zealander Glenn Martin, began working on his dream to invent the world's first commercial jetpack. On Tuesday, the company he founded, Martin Aircraft, was valued at more than $100 million when it listed on the Australian Securities Exchange, after securing a cornerstone investment worth up to $50 million from Chinese aerospace group Kuang-Chi Science.

    "I always knew it would be a long road to develop a wearable jetpack. The United States military had thrown lots of cash at big companies in the 1950s and 1960s that failed to come up with anything practical, and here I was just a Kiwi bloke in a garage with a hobby," Martin Jetpack inventor and company founder, Glenn Martin said.

    The Martin Jetpack runs on a V4 200 horsepower petrol engine that drives two ducted fans. It is able to fly for over 30 minutes at speeds up to 74km/h and altitudes of up to 1000 metres, carrying a commercial payload of up to 120 kiolgrams.



    Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/business/aviation/gl...l#ixzz3SnqeX1yT
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 25 2015, 02:54 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Here is a machine for the future

    ASX code mjp




    http://www.martinjetpack.com/gallery/images/category/1


      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 20 2015, 09:49 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    If you haven't read the book.. 50 Shades of Grey, you can still get a chuckle from this poem. For any that do not know....
    a "zimmer" is the British term for a senior's walker....Zimmer is the manufacturer's name.
    FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
    The missus bought a Paperback,
    down Shepton Mallet way,
    I had a look inside her bag;
    T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
    Well I just left her to it,
    And at ten I went to bed.
    An hour later she appeared;
    The sight filled me with dread...
    In her left she held a rope;
    And in her right a whip!
    She threw them down upon the floor,
    And then began to strip.
    Well fifty years or so ago;
    I might have had a peek;
    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
    She's eighty four next week!!
    Watching Mabel bump and grind;
    Could not have been much grimmer.
    And things then went from bad to worse;
    She toppled off her Zimmer!
    She struggled back upon her feet;
    A couple minutes later;
    She put her teeth back in and said
    I am a dominater !!
    Now if you knew our Mabel,
    You'd see just why I spluttered,
    I'd spent two months in traction
    For the last complaint I'd uttered.
    She stood there nude and naked
    Bent forward just a bit
    I went to hold her, sensual like
    and stood on her left tit!
    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
    My god what had I done!?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
    "Step on the other one"!!
    Well readers, I can't tell no more;
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say my jet black hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 19 2015, 08:40 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson

    It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

    Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."



    Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

    She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
    calmly kept saying things would be okay William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."



    "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. This little bastard's name is Kevin."


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 17 2015, 10:09 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    NST half yearly report out. This company is just powering along. Less debt, doubling of dividend, huge increase in profit, increasing gold finds. All we need now is for gold prices to take off and this stock will sky rocket.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 16 2015, 09:01 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    IN RUSSIA YOU CAN NOT GET CAR INSURANCE UNLESS YOU HAVE A DASH CAM THIS IS BECAUSE THE PLACE IS SO CORRUPT AND WITH THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF INFLUENCE AND MONEY YOU CAN CHANGE ANYONE'S STORY - HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS .... FOR THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE !!

    This is why Russians use dashboard cameras-

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/5RAaW_1FzYg?autoplay=1&modestbranding=1&rel=0&s

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 1 2015, 11:09 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Irish Sawmill Accident

    Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

    One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench
    saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to
    the local hospital.

    Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says,
    "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

    Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now
    re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

    A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another
    bloody big saw.

    So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
    Hospital..

    Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse
    replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

    And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
    treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

    But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
    his head.

    Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to
    hospital.

    Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down
    and cries and says, "He's dead."

    Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

    "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and
    he suffocated.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 30 2015, 08:19 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Thoughts for today,




    Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!



    The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about!



    I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!



    I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!



    Old age is coming at a really bad time!



    When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!



    The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."



    Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!



    I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.



    My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.



    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.



    The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".



    I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!



    I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.



    I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!



    Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!



    Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?





    Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.



    Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?



    At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 25 2015, 11:06 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548




    Freshpet Holiday Feast - 13 Dogs and 1 Cat Eating with Human Hands




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhg7Xm4FXAY

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 23 2015, 03:50 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

    The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

    "Yes" says the woman.

    "Did you hit him with that golf club?"

    "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

    "How many times did you hit him?"



    "I don't know -- put me down for a five."







    A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

    Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

    As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"



    The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 18 2015, 03:06 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    New versions of Advance Australia Fair- Take your pick




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMdbVHPmCW0




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiEycVMKoJo


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 17 2015, 02:03 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Looks like next stop for gold is around $1315. As for NST the skies the limit after $2.




      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 16 2015, 12:26 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Suspension from Official Quotation as from today pending further announcement
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 16 2015, 12:21 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing Flower. Even the big boys never saw this coming.As long as we make a profit sometimes that's the main thing. Still have shares in troy which are doing well, Bought in at 47c. Will wait for a pullback in NST now
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 14 2015, 04:45 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Hi Flower I also got out today. Think NST could get to around $1.90 but not willing to wait and see. Bought in $1.25 sold out today at $1.845. Stock is getting overbought so will wait and see. There are a few gaps on the chart to be filled as well.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 17 2014, 01:59 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Inner Peace: This is so true.

    If you can start the day without caffeine,

    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

    If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

    If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

    If you can conquer tension without medical help,

    If you can relax without a glass of wine,

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
    You Are Probably
    ...The family dog!!

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 5 2014, 07:54 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Try again




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EubuphQ79z4


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 5 2014, 07:42 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548




    It sure is a dogs life




    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EubuphQ79z4


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 25 2014, 02:12 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    > DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Or the uncertainty of the English
    > language)
    >
    > Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
    > family values.
    >
    > Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
    >
    > Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
    > intelligence come from?'
    >
    > The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
    > cause I still have mine.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
    > Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week. '
    >
    > 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
    > then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to Emergency took the
    > husband aside and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
    >
    > 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
    > good with the kids.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
    > been living with for the last 40 years.
    >
    > The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
    > that were used to put the curse on you.'
    >
    > The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
    >
    > 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
    > take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
    >
    > The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
    >
    > 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    >
    > Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
    >
    > 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
    >
    > 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
    >
    > 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
    >
    > 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
    >
    > Joe: 'Really?'
    >
    > Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
    > asks him how he is feeling.
    >
    > 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
    > surgery,' he answered.
    >
    > 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
    >
    > 'Oops!'
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
    > of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
    > I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's
    > advice.
    >
    > 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    >
    > 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    >
    > He's still in intensive care.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    >
    > The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
    > of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by
    > even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
    >
    > The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
    > there.'
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 25 2014, 02:08 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...

    She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 20 2014, 01:05 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    There is a slight gap on 20/12/2013 chart at 70c. Maybe that will be the bottom. I thought originally 94c would pull this up but I could be wrong. If they do get down to 70c it will be a buy of a lifetime.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 17 2014, 12:25 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am not getting too excited atm as I believe gold still hasn't finished its decline. My feeling is that gold will come back to around $1140 levels again and NST back around 97c area. Should know in a few weeks one way or another.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 6 2014, 06:36 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A man walked into a bar and sat down beside a woman. Suddenly her glass eye popped out and he caught it. She thanked him and asked him if he would join her for breakfast the next day. He agreed and got her address.

    The next day he went to her house and had a lovely breakfast. He asked, "Do you treat all men like this?"

    She smiled and said, "Just the ones who catch my eye."

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 3 2014, 12:42 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am going for Fawkner. Just like his name and he has 4 legs. Lets face it a racehorse is the only animal that can take thousands for a ride at the same time.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 31 2014, 08:08 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Hi Flower, In an earlier post I said I was looking at an entry point of $1.07. Now looking at around 94c. Anything below $1 is excellent buying imo.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 23 2014, 08:18 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Would not surprise me if these came back down to around $1.06-$1.10 Flower. Would be good buying at these prices
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 15 2014, 08:00 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a
    show in Romford. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
    his usual dumb blonde jokes.
    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
    starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
    makes you think you can stereotype Essex blonde women that way? What
    does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
    being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected
    at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
    people Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
    dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
    not only blondes, but women in general … pathetically all in the name
    of humour!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

    "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 17 2014, 09:09 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Another wing suit skydiver dies. Its unbelievable what these guys will try.

    WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 16 2014, 12:00 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

    One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.
    The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly."
    This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

    While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?"
    The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
    This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

    After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
    "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
    "Wait,” said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today’s robbery."
    This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

    The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $ 3 million.
    The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
    "We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
    This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


    Moral: Give a person a gun and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank and he can rob everyone.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 4 2014, 03:17 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Bought a parcel of try this arvo. As long as they don't go any lower I think we may have seen the bottom for this stock
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 25 2014, 05:29 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548




    A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another beer. He chugs that beer, looks into his pocket and asks for another.

    The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket?"

    The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 24 2014, 11:52 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    <H2 style="Z-INDEX: auto; BORDER-BOTTOM: rgb(200,200,200) 1px solid; POSITION: static; TEXT-ALIGN: left; PADDING-BOTTOM: 5px; BACKGROUND-COLOR: rgb(250,250,250); MARGIN: 0px 0px 5px; PADDING-LEFT: 10px; PADDING-RIGHT: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, Calibri, Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; COLOR: rgb(51,51,51); FONT-SIZE: 14px; PADDING-TOP: 10px" class="posttitle icon">The Priest</H2>

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
    and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
    The priest looked up from his book and answered,
    ''I am the Father of many.'
    The boy said, ''My Grandfather has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said.
    'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while,
    then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
    and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 15 2014, 01:40 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548



      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 15 2014, 01:38 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    <H2 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: rgb(200,200,200) 1px solid; TEXT-ALIGN: left; PADDING-BOTTOM: 5px; BACKGROUND-COLOR: rgb(250,250,250); MARGIN: 0px 0px 5px; PADDING-LEFT: 10px; PADDING-RIGHT: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, Calibri, Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; COLOR: rgb(51,51,51); FONT-SIZE: 14px; PADDING-TOP: 10px" class="posttitle icon"> Pastor of Note</H2>
    A Texas pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has
    spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie
    and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and
    do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand
    and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
    No one moved.
    The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
    a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will
    feel glory.
    Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. Then,
    slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway
    train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as
    she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
    I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple
    of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

    The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
    roared.

    Life is Short; Smile while you still have Teeth. Give me an Amen brother
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 15 2014, 01:36 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    <H2 style="BORDER-BOTTOM: rgb(200,200,200) 1px solid; TEXT-ALIGN: left; PADDING-BOTTOM: 5px; BACKGROUND-COLOR: rgb(250,250,250); MARGIN: 0px 0px 5px; PADDING-LEFT: 10px; PADDING-RIGHT: 10px; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma, Calibri, Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif; COLOR: rgb(51,51,51); FONT-SIZE: 14px; PADDING-TOP: 10px" class="posttitle icon"> laudable quotes</H2>
    As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind -

    every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

    ~ John Glenn

    *****

    When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said
    ' Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

    ~ Desmond Tutu

    *****

    America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
    professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

    ~ David Letterman

    *****

    en are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

    ~ Betsy Salkind

    *****

    I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

    ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

    *****

    You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

    ~ Jeff Foxworthy

    *****

    Having more money doesn't make you happier.
    I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

    ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

    *****
    If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

    ~ Johnny Carson

    *****

    Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

    ~ Jimmy Durante

    *****

    America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

    ~ Doug Hamwell

    I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

    ~ Robert Benchley
    It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is true.
    Bertrand Russell


    Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
    Henry David Thoreau


    If a man speaks his mind in a forest and no woman can hear him is he still wrong?
    Unknown
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 4 2014, 12:35 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Now looking around 45c support.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 4 2014, 12:33 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Now looking around 45c
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: May 28 2014, 08:10 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
    ......................................................

    BHP Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

    On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

    A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

    The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

    Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

    From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 28 2014, 08:02 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    The British Way


    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a British Soldier at a small stand selling regimental ties.

    The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

    The soldier replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

    The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

    "O.K." said the soldier. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles you will find our Sergeant’s Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

    Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

    Several hours later he staggered back almost dead and rasped, "They won't let me in without a f****ing tie!"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 25 2014, 03:50 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548





    ----- Paper Is Dead?



    It' s only 39 seconds so please watch it all...the irony won' t be lost on you.



    http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 19 2014, 08:49 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    An elderly gentleman....
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'




    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'



    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

    You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

    'Do you mean a rose?'

    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



    I love this one!
    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

    'Sure.'

    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks..

    'No, I can remember it.'

    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
    a s not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
    The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'



    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'

    'Yep!'

    'Do I know her?'

    'Nope!'

    'This woman, is she good looking?'

    'Not really.'

    'Is she a good cook?'

    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

    'Does she have lots of money?'

    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

    'I don't know.'

    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

    'Because she can still drive!'



    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'



    A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

    '
    Twelve thirty..'


    Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street

    with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



    One more. .. .!
    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 15 2014, 08:10 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    There really are some dumb people on this planet !






    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-w-mWhIWEM


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 7 2014, 12:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Looking at the monthly charts its quiet possible it could get as low as .67c
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 29 2014, 07:54 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    And now for something completely different…

    http://www.flixxy.com/ceremonial-guard-bloopers.htm

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 26 2014, 12:45 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    would like to see gold get above $1320 area and stay there for a few days before i start getting excited. Personally i think gold has one more downleg to go before going back up again. Would like Troy to close the gap at 89c
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 13 2014, 11:08 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    This is what happens when you are forced to work after the age of 70.
    CLICK HERE <http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=19THRdXxmaI>
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 12 2014, 03:18 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548




    Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
    today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
    hurt, I no come wok.'



    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need
    you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and
    tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I
    go to work. You try that.


    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say
    and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 8 2014, 12:57 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    http://www.e-wavecharts.com/dow_nikkei_elliottwave_top.htm
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 6 2014, 03:03 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    ) What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 6 2014, 03:01 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    : How do you know if you're a bogan?
    A: You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table
    ...in front of her kids.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 6 2014, 02:58 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    ) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
    The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

    The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

    The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

    The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

    The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

    The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

    The Barman says 'What?!?!'

    The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'



    Jokes about an Australian's masculinity
    1) The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
    Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
    A night of tall tales begins....
    Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
    Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
    Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.


    2) Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.

    "Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

    PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"

    Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."

    PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

    Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"

    PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."

    Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

    Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.

    Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.

    A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........


    MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 1 2014, 08:00 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I would not be surprised to see gold come back to around $1200 or just below and then bounce back.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 4 2014, 02:36 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm bbbbloody tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
    The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
    So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
    The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
    The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
    The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
    The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
    The guy says, "Dddeal......Dddo it!"
    The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife's not happy and doesn’t want it anymore. She liked it when I had a penis a foot long. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
    The doctor says, "Ppppiss ooooff. A ddddeal's a dddeal."

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 12 2014, 07:51 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Same goes here Arty. Originally made 24%in under 3 weeks and was happy with that at the time.Hindsight ia a wonderful thing. With gold moving higher this stock could go as high as $2 short term.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 6 2014, 02:59 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Looks like TRy have peaked for the time being. Certainly had a good run up. Will wait and see and get back in later. these will a $ 2 plus stock before long.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Feb 4 2014, 11:28 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    IMO i think TRY are due for a pullback at these levels. No reason why they cant go much higher at a later date but ATM i would like the gap around 90c filled. Just sold out for a handsome profit.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 27 2014, 03:55 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Lano and Woodley are a successful Australian comedy duo, comprising of Colin Lane and Frank Woodley. Their television show The Adventures of Lano and Woodley aired on the ABC network in 1997 and 1999.

    <H2 aria-haspopup=true class="section_heading openSection" role=button tabIndex=0 aria-controls=content_block_0 jQuery18309079788248604159="28">The Adventures of Lano and WoodleyEdit</H2>Colin: You stupid little skinny man!Frank: Come on, Col, you're making a mountain out of a...very big hill.Video Store Guy: What about Silence of the Lambs?Colin: Nah, I'm not really into nature films.Colin: She was so beautiful. She had eyes...which was good, because the last girl I liked just had skin from the eyebrows down.Frank: You know, the actor guy! Oh, what is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is that when I say his name, you’ll go, 'YES! The actor guy, love him, adore him!' But I can’t think of his name. It's on the tip of my tongue. (looks at tip of his tongue) You know who I mean - he’s got the hair... the eyes... a bit of a nose... and a mouth, and it’s all held together with... like a FACE!Frank: You know the strangest thing about Mr. Wilson? When he comes over he never says anything.Colin: Yeah, that’s because he is a mute.Frank: Oh right. (pause) What’s a mute?Colin: He’s a mute - he can’t talk.Frank: Ohh... No, I’m still not clear on this mute business.Colin: For some reason he is unable to speak.Frank: Ohhh... No, I still don’t get it.Colin: He’s a mute! He’s dumb!Frank: Yeah, well, I’m dumb too, but at least I’m polite enough to speak to people!Colin: Everyone else can die, but you cannot - WHY?Frank: Why do they call him Scott of the Antarctic? I mean, I have a friend called Russell who went to Thailand once, but I don’t call him 'Russell of Thailand'.Frank: Do you believe in Harold, Col?Colin: Harold? Who's Harold?Frank: Harold. That’s God’s name, everybody knows that. It’s in that prayer: 'Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name'.Colin: She may not have been my flesh and blood, but she was still my mum. She was there when I learnt how to walk, she was there when I learnt how to ride a bike... and when I got bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up teaching.Frank: That's it, tiger, walk to me!Colin: Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!Frank: Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 21 2014, 11:37 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church
    ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
    bulletins or were announced at church services:

    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
    Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------
    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
    tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
    things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------
    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------
    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
    pleasure to the congregation.
    --------------------------
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
    downstairs.
    --------------------------
    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help
    they can get.
    --------------------------
    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
    ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow..
    --------------------------
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
    Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------
    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
    new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------
    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
    you want remembered..
    --------------------------
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
    gracious hostility.
    --------------------------
    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------
    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
    seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------
    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
    the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
    him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
    --------------------------
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
    back door.
    --------------------------
    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
    basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this
    tragedy.
    --------------------------
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------
    and this one just about sums them all up

    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
    Sunday:
    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 13 2014, 09:55 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Macquarie has Outperform recommendations, with an impressive $2.30 target price for Troy Resources Limited (TRY) Troy Resources is another well capitalised gold miner that has taken advantage of the devastating climate in the gold sector, acquiring rival Azimuth Resources in mid-2013. The company has high grade, low cost operating mines in Argentina and Brazil as well as high grade deposits in Guyana. Troy has been around for some time and it is only in the last year the share price tumbled after recovering from the GFC.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 1 2014, 01:21 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Q. Why dont thieves rob a politicans house.

    A. Professional courtesy.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 24 2013, 07:43 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    As we get older we can all learn from this guy. Very wise...

    . Love this Doctor!

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend li...fe of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

    Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

    Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

    AND.....

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians...

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 18 2013, 01:05 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    CBA have a strong buy on PNA. Price target of $2.48

    PNA have provided guidance for CY14 leading to cost driven downgrades. However we maintain our Overweight recommendation believing PNA has been oversold on the back of the Frieda River transaction. PNA has declined over -20% since the acquisition of Frieda River. We believe it presents commercial & strategic value with development timeframes that can be aligned with PNA’s future cash-build. PNA is our preferredexposure on a spread of DCF, mine life, margin security and near term comps. PNA appears heavily sold presenting buying opportunity. Overweight, price target $2.48ps.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 17 2013, 07:45 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Irish Sawmill Accident

    Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

    One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

    Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

    Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

    A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

    So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

    Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

    And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

    But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

    Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

    Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

    Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

    "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 6 2013, 07:26 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    When you meet the right woman she will sink into your arms, then your arms in her sink. -

    When you have a hammer in your hand everything around you starts looking like a nail. -

    I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!.. Then I look at you... and.. I think I'll look at the moon again?

    I didn't find out what happiness means until I got married... and then it was too late.

    The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
    -
    Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! -


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 6 2013, 07:13 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    The severity of the itch is inversely proportional of the ability to reach it
    If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
    When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
    If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

    If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
    If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms
    ![ Why is the word abbreviation so long?
    Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
    I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
    There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 26 2013, 11:41 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Getting close to that magic fibonacci number.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 19 2013, 07:55 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Road Runner Finally gets caught by Wile E. Coyote Epic

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj78yCaumpc
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 19 2013, 07:55 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Road Runner Finally gets caught by Wile E. Coyote Epic

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bj78yCaumpc
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 19 2013, 07:51 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 30 2013, 05:37 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra.

    The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose. 'Why not?'
    asked the man.

    'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor. 'But I need it really bad,'
    said the man.

    'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

    The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

    The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

    On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.

    The doctor asked, 'Good gawd! What happened to you?'

    The man said, 'No one showed up!'

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 30 2013, 05:35 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

    He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.


    "Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."


    ''What happened to her?"

    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"


    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

    "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The man replied, "Get in line."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 30 2013, 07:09 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Why Ethel Changed Motels
    Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
    She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books
    for escorts and sensual massages."

    She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
    himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
    flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places,
    thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
    felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns ....

    She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

    Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
    hesitated, she rushed right in,

    "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and
    give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
    and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring
    implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag
    of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in
    chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

    Now how does that sound?”

    He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “ 9 ” for
    an outside line."







      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 4 2013, 11:00 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 1 2013, 07:43 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 22 2013, 09:17 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Theatre Seats For Seniors


    An old man lay reclined across three seats in the movie theatre.

    When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "I'm sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

    The old man mumbled something but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

    "Sir, if you don't get up,, I'm going to have to call the manager."

    This time, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment, he returned with the manager.
    Together, the two of them tried a number of times to move the disheveled old man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

    The Police officer surveyed the situation briefly and asked, "All right then, sir, what's your name?"

    "Fred," the old man moaned.

    "Thank you, Fred. Now, where are you from?" asked the policeman.

    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred moaned,



    "The balcony..."

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 12 2013, 08:32 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Subject: Best Kevin Rudd joke so far???



    Kevin Rudd walked into a branch of the ANZ to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier, he said: "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

    Cashier: "It would be my pleasure, sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Rudd: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Kevin Rudd, the Prime Minister!!!"

    Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc, I must insist on proof of identity."

    Rudd: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Rudd: "I need this cheque cashed!"

    Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way. One day Adam Scott came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Adam Scott, he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot, we knew him to be Adam Scott and cashed his cheque.

    Another time, Samantha Stosur came in without ID. She pulled out her tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot, we cashed her cheque..

    So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Prime Minister?"

    Rudd stood there thinking and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 8 2013, 03:19 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A hooded robber burst into a bank and at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

    He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot & killed her also.


    Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.
    The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

    Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 21 2013, 05:45 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Another minor gold stock on the skids although iron mountain seems interested in it as they have Been buying up a bit of KGM lately. Might have a small punt at it.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 16 2013, 09:29 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Eternal Life

    A guy is walking along Bondi Beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.

    The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever."

    "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

    "OK, then, I want to die after Labor balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

    "You crafty little bastard," said the genie.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 23 2013, 12:04 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Could be something about them planning to become a bank. Will know tomorrow.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 15 2013, 03:56 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Wide Bay Cap have announced that they are to become a bank within the next 12 months. Should be interesting
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 30 2013, 05:46 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    BUNNINGS JOB APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to Bunnings in Burleigh Heads. They hired him because he was so funny....



    NAME:
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    $150,000 a year plus share options and a Julia Gillard style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS:
    1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here'?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    12 Kms

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes. absolutely.



      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 7 2013, 01:09 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am looking at support around $9.60 failing that around $7.50
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 3 2013, 08:08 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    CHINESE HOSPITALITY

    The Chinese have been trying to push tourism to China to greater heights. So the government has asked all hotels, tourist guides and restaurants to provide all best possible services and proper guidance to tourists and learn English. The hotels have now adopted a professional approach to attracting and guiding tourists – of which the following welcome letter provide a few examples.


    WELCOME LETTER


    Getting There

    Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
    The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in passing water.
    You will know the hotel is near, because you will go round the bend.
    As you come into the hotel, our beautiful manager will offer welcome drinks
    and then have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel

    This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome.
    Nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.
    Guests are invited to mate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
    It is good to have intercourse with others and become fast friends.
    But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar.
    With our help they can be delivered in the baby center.
    We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

    Your Room

    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
    In winter, every room is on heat.
    Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity.
    All your needs are from room service.
    Please feel free to ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her.

    Hospitality

    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to forget it
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 3 2013, 08:06 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Job at the FBI





    The FBI had an opening for an assassin .



    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

    two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of

    the men to a large metal door and handed

    him a gun.

    We must know that you will follow your

    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting

    in a chair . . . kill her!!'

    the man said, 'You can't be serious. I could

    never shoot my wife.'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man

    for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions.

    He took the gun and went into the room. All was

    quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,

    but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't

    have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the

    same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the

    gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one

    after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

    banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was

    quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood thewoman
    wiping the sweat from her brow.


    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

    beat him to death with the chair.'

    MORAL:

    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 19 2013, 12:34 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548









    As we get older we can all learn from this guy. Very wise...

    . Love this Doctor!

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

    A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

    A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

    Q
    : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

    A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

    A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

    A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

    Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


    AND.....

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians...

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians.


    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 18 2013, 02:51 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Wife comes home late, quietly opens the door of the bedroom

    and seeing four legs from under the blanket reaches for the baseball bat

    pounding the forms under the blanket as hard as she can and leaving the covered bodies moaning and groaning.


    So she goes to the kitchen for a drink and sees her husband reading a magazine with a glass of beer on the table.


    "Hi Darling", he mutters turning her way,

    "Your Parents are here for a visit, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

    Hope you said hello?"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 2 2013, 07:22 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Doesn't seem too be much suport now for KCN until round $1.25-1.30 area .Future looks good for them if gold price picks up again
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 22 2013, 02:09 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Just got off the phone from a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 20 2013, 09:29 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !

    'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.
    It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.


    One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
    Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
    Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
    Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
    Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
    Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 18 2013, 06:34 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Their is a possibility that Newcrest could go as low as $12.50. Will be keeping a close eye on them if they go below $15.00
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 18 2013, 11:12 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548





    These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:

    1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

    2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

    3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    12. She is numb from her toes down.

    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    14. The skin was moist and dry.

    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

    27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

    28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

    29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

    30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 16 2013, 01:22 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I agree flower. The gold volatility index is near resistance and gold price on weekly charts is near support. Should see a turnaround soon but expect a bit more volatility in short term.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 8 2013, 10:47 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    > "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
    > home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes
    > out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
    > drink."
    > "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
    > the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
    > "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite
    > pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then
    > another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
    > they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets a root, all on the house!"
    > The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman
    > swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to
    > you?"
    > "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
    > me sister quite a few times."
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 3 2013, 02:31 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am looking at buyimg in around $17.50 area if $18.50 fails. Would have to start being an attractive takeover if it goes much lower.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 29 2013, 11:01 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548


    [b]
    A HERD OF COWS.

    SOCIALISM[/b]
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    [b]TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    [/b]
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    [b]ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
    [/b]
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION

    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

    [b]A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    [/b]
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive...


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 18 2013, 08:29 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 16 2013, 08:17 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

    His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
    The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

    A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

    After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
    'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

    Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
    'Touchdown, tie score.'

    Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
    'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man

    He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
    Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

    The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

    The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides


    If you don't laugh
    At this one, then you've got a terrible sense of humor !!!!!!!!

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jan 16 2013, 08:15 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2012

    6th Place


    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

    'What are my choices?' the man asked.

    'Yes or no,' she replied.




    5th Place

    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

    As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

    Without blinking an eyelid she said,

    'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'

    4th Place

    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

    The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



    3rd Place


    The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.






    2nd Place


    A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

    A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

    Cars are backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car comes up.

    The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

    And said to the driver,

    'Got stuck, eh?'

    The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'







    SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
    2012


    A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

    'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

    I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


    A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


    'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


    'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 25 2012, 12:34 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    TREND ANALYSIS - Gold repeatedly failed to hold the uptrend lines which keeps resolving in breaks lower. That is the pattern that the current trend line support suggests as being most probable, i.e. an imminent bounce higher towards $1710 and then another break of the trendline support which would target a trend towards $1550. Furthermore shallow trendlines imply less volatile trends for 2013, i.e. shallow up and down trends within the prevailing range.

    SUPPORT / RESISTANCE - Gold is in a range trading channel, the main resistance is at $1800 and support at $1550, with a break above $1800 targeting $1900. Whilst support at $1550 looks quite strong, thus suggests a strategy of buying downtrends towards $1550 for range rallies to $1800, with potentials for a break higher that would next target resistance at $1900. Current price action in terms of the range appears to resolve towards $1550 during Q1 2013, before we can expect the next assault on $1800.

    However the problem with ranges is that it is difficult to determine at what point the price breaks out, and the ultimate probability is for Gold to break higher, to first $1900 and then $2000 and the longer the range goes on the harder it tends to become for the price to actually breakout and therefore more difficult to forecast. Which means given the 18 months to date, gold could stay stuck in this range for the whole of 2013.

    PRICE TARGETS - The immediate target is a low above $1550, the reaction from which suggests $1800.

    MACD - The MACD indicator is weak and showing no signs of an imminent bottom, in fact it is confirming that Gold could trend lower for at least another month into late January which would time with the probability for a continuing downtrend towards $1550 and a risk that Gold could remain weak even into late February.

    SEASONAL TREND - There is a strong seasonal tendency for gold to rally from November through January, however Gold is clearly not following the seasonal trend which implies inverse expectations. Therefore a weak Jan, Feb and stronger March and April.

    Gold - Silver Ratio - Which is Cheaper?

    On face value the gold-silver ratio chart implies that Silver is cheap. BUT Silver is heavily dependant upon sentiment, i.e. it needs a strong trend for gain against Gold. Whilst in a shallow trend or a trading range will continue to see silver increasingly lag behind Gold, which means that whilst Silver is cheaper than Gold, given expectations for a continuation of the Trading range, silver could yet get even cheaper relative to Gold i.e. as was the case during the first half of 2010.

    However should Gold breakout higher above $1800 we will see Silver start to significantly outperform, so I will definitely be keeping an eye on silver especially near Gold lows of $1550 as it would be trading at deeper discount.

    Gold Risks of a Down Year

    Gold has not had a down year for 12 years! Add to that expectations of a trading range of 1800 to 1550. Throw in a close of $1660, and annual volatility of 20% and then that implies a 40% risk of a down year, i.e. a close below $1660, which could yet worsen if Gold rallies into the end of the year i.e. Gold closing the year at say $1710 would imply a 60% chance of a down year, whilst a close at $1600 would imply just a 20% risk of a down year.

    <H1 class=error>Gold Price Forecast Conclusion </H1>The bottom line is that whilst the Gold bull market will likely continue until ZIRP ends, however Gold bugs are not going to like hearing that the best years of gains are now probably behind gold, and that the best they can expect to achieve is gains of about 10% per annum as Gold is now in a mature bull market. Therefore my analysis resolves to the following key conclusions for 2013 -

    1. That Gold looks set to trade within a range for most of the year of between $1550 and $1800.

    2. That Gold should trend higher towards the end of the year with overall probability targeting a year end close in the region of $1760, which on the last close of $1660 implies a gain of about 6%, with a 40% risk of a small down close year i.e. between $1659 and $1550.
    http://www.marketoracle.co.uk/Article38201.html

      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 23 2012, 07:30 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
    the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

    The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,

    "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ...

    I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


    Five minutes later, the baby was still

    not feeding, so she said,


    "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give

    it to this nice man here."


    A few minutes later,

    the anxious man blurted out,


    "Come on kid.


    Make up your mind!
    I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 23 2012, 07:22 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:

    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
    IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
    8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
    9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
    10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

    WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 23 2012, 07:21 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    The Wit Of The Scots




    A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who
    had the superior culture.
    Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the
    Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

    The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the
    Summer and Winter Solstices."

    The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

    The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who
    built the first timepieces and calendars."

    And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
    discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the
    ones who invented sex!"

    The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who
    introduced it to the women!"

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 13 2012, 02:17 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my Queensland driver's license
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 3 2012, 01:14 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Husband Down
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles.

    The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

    'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies.

    'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    ˜ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

    'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
    Her husband retorts:

    'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.'

    HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 23 2012, 01:29 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Large volume of shares going through today. Over 1.4 million of them.?
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Oct 11 2012, 06:02 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    My feeling is that the US dollar index could go as low as 72 and gold go for a quick run up to around $2100 area. Time will tell.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 26 2012, 07:56 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked..
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.





    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.



    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
    told her preacher she had two final requests.
    First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
    she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
    'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
    'Why Wal-Mart?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your fridge ice- maker.



    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'



    THE SENILITY PRAYER :

    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.



    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 25 2012, 10:11 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A couple of spec stocks worth having a look at and have potential for a good rise are mutinty gold [myg] and carrick [crk]. Bought into these a couple of months ago and already showing me a good return
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 10 2012, 04:46 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    This you tube is not funny but it shows what dickheads their are in this world

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/2h-WhhqFjv4?feature=player_detailpage

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 10 2012, 03:27 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A little Catholic sense of humor. I couldn't resist passing this on.



    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
    I have been with a loose girl.'

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Jeffy Heaton?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'
    !
    'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

    'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
    may as well tell me now. Was it Shanghai Smith?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    ! 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
    and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
    atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
    for 4 months. Now you go and
    behave yourself.'

    Jeffy walks back to his pew, and his friend Roo slides over and
    whispers, 'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 18 2012, 03:11 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    What's in a name?


    The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit ( I.C.U.) of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 19 2012, 08:27 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I am looking more towards 1260 failing that 1220 area.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 31 2011, 12:20 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Still have them. Only bought 60000 of them. Thinking about buying another 40000 next week
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Dec 30 2011, 09:40 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Bought inyo these about a month ago. I believe these will pay well in the next 12 months. Another one to watch is carrick CRK. No debt.plenty cash and mining next year i believe.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Nov 21 2011, 09:14 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    If Australia is the lucky country then How come Spain, Italy and Greece are getting a new Prime Minister???

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 17 2011, 12:15 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Check out the ape with the AK47

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Sep 12 2011, 05:15 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Whats this womans address. Time for a trip to Germany i think
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 28 2011, 10:47 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

    So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

    The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

    The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

    The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

    The chief replied, "My bike."



    ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads if you're going to go riding somebody else's bicycle.

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 28 2011, 10:45 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    The other cubicle:
    Travelling down the highway and needing to use the toilet,
    I stopped at a service station and headed to the gents'.



    "Hi, how are you?"


    I'm not the type to start a conversation in the toilet and I don't know what got into me,
    But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
    "Doin' just fine!"


    And the other person says:
    "So what are you up to?"


    What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
    "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"
    ??

    At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
    "Can I come over?"


    OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them:
    "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"


    Then I hear the person say nervously...
    "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions



    Mobile phones, don't you just love 'em !

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Aug 20 2011, 12:45 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Two drunks went into a bar and had a few beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

    All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his partner screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate.

    He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said that everytime he flushed the toilet something reached up and squeezed his balls.

    His friend shook his head and said, "You dumbass, you're sitting on the mop bucket
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 19 2011, 04:30 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Totally agree with you Arty. This company is going to make me some good money. Already up 25%
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Jul 1 2011, 01:37 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I personally think that the dow will go to new highs in the next 6 to 9 months from here. The markets have been oversold and if greece or the others dont pop up in the meantime we should be ok. Longer term though it is not looking good at all. The world cannot keep on living on debt and something has to happen and it wont be very nice at all.
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 30 2011, 11:31 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    My blackberry is not working. A Ronnie corbett classic
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Jun 14 2011, 05:53 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

    They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'




    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.




    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.




    The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'




    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.




    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'




    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'




    'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.




    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.




    'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'




    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'





      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 27 2011, 11:52 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Carrick up nearly 11% today with good volume.Could be some good news coming.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: May 9 2011, 05:44 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    The ultimate dog tease.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw...player_embedded
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 6 2011, 03:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Went for a coffee today.

    I tried the new fluffy Qsama Bin Latte .... has a fluffy white head
    with two shots in it.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 6 2011, 03:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Thanks Arty. I will check snopes next time but apparently something similar like it has happened before.
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 5 2011, 03:42 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    You have to read this story...
    [/color][b]On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio.[/b]

    [b]In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia ) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. [/b]

    [b]He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.[/b]

    [b]The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.[/b]

    [b]He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.[/b]

    [b]The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.[/b]

    [b]However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off..[/b]

    [b]He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.[/b]

    [b]Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.[/b]

    [b]The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.[/b]

    [b]Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.[/b]

    [b]A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.[/b]

    [b]After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.[/b]

    [b]The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.[/b]

    [b]At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.[/b]

    [b]They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.[/b]

    [b]The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:[/b]

    [b]The gas company was ordered to:[/b][b] [/b]

    [b][1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.[/b][b] [/b]
    [b][2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.[/b][b] [/b]
    [b][3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed. [/b]
    [b][4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and[/b]

    [b][5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.[/b]

    [b]And all this over $0.00[/b]

    [b]This story can also be viewed on the ABC website - Who employs these idiots??[/b]
    [b] [/b]
    [b]Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do, and they BREED!!![/b][color="black"]


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: May 2 2011, 03:29 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Bet the U>S Dollar and DOW gets a real boost tonight after the bin laden eposide
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 14 2011, 04:20 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548


    [u]
    Mrs Brown and the mormons. Very funny but has some swearing

    ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QarofaycN3c&feature=relmfu

    [/u]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgGALy8RRPQ&NR=

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 7 2011, 07:43 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    A man walks into bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

    The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag.

    The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

    He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

    He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

    The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

    'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.

    The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.

    He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

    So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just! One wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'

    The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

    A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming!


    The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.

    I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'


    'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 7 2011, 07:07 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

    [b]Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.


    Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

    Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

    Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

    Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

    Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.[/b]

      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Apr 1 2011, 09:58 AM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    I would like to see it get above 40c before i would buy in as it has reached a triple top resistance at the moment.
      Forum: By Share Code

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 22 2011, 03:39 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    This is actually word for word what he said to a gathering of students who asked about the bailout in America. Great response. [/size]
    'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.

    I can't even talk the way these people talk:


    Why you ain't,
    Where you is,
    What he drive,
    Where he stay,
    Where he work,
    Who you be...

    And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.


    And then I heard the father talk.


    Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. [/color]
    You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth
    In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.

    People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education,
    and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

    The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.


    These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.

    $500 sneakers for what?

    And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics..

    I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.


    Where were you when he was 2?

    Where were you when he was 12?

    Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol?

    And where is the father? Or who is his father?


    People putting their clothes on backward:
    Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?


    People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

    Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?


    What part of Africa did this come from??

    We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa .....


    I say this all of the time. It would be like white people saying they are European-American.
    That is totally stupid.

    I was born here, and so were my parents and grand parents and, very likely my great grandparents. I don't have any connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany, Scotland, England , Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the black Americans as regards to Africa . So stop, already! ! !


    With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap .........
    and all of them are in jail.

    Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.


    We have got to take the neighborhood back.


    People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.

    We have millionaire football players who cannot read.

    We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

    Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.


    We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.

    We cannot blame the white people any longer.'

    Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.




    WELL SAID, BILL

    It's NOT about color...

    It's about behavior!!!


    PASS
    THIS ON AROUND THE WORLD[color="navy"]
    [size="3"]
      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 16 2011, 03:37 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548







    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'







    Lemon Squeeze

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'







    Looks of Disappointment

    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

    She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'







    Catholic Dog

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?






    Donation

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'
    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'






    Confession

    An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins?'

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

    Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'






    Brothel Trip

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

    '90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

    'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'






    Senility

    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'






    Pest Control

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

    'Who are you?' he asked him..

    'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

    'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

    'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

    'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..




    Marriage Humour

    Wife: 'What are you doing?'

    Husband: Nothing.

    Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

    Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

    -------------------------------

    Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

    Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

    Wife: 'Yes or no.'

    --------------------------------------------------------
    Stress Reliever

    Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

    Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

    Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

    ------------------------------
    Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

    Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

    Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

    ________________________________

    A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

    'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

    ------------------------------------------------------------

    A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'


    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
    'What was that for?' the man asked.
    The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
    Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
    Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


      Forum: Off Topic Chat

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 15 2011, 08:23 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Dont know where the flag and green phone came from
      Forum: Macro Factors

    surfer
    Posted on: Mar 15 2011, 08:20 PM


    Group: Member
    Posts: 548

    Gold down $15, oil down $2, dow down 270 atm. Would not surprise me to see a 300 plus drop tomorrow the way things are going. I feel the dow could drop down to around 10700-11000 mark before it settles down
      Forum: Macro Factors

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