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A little Friday humour


mminion

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In reply to: Rogue Trader on Tuesday 23/11/04 01:44pm

Hi guys,

Earlier this yr I received an email telling me I had won $2mil (US) to send details so the money could be deposited. It was in some English sweepstakes. (AS IF.....) Anyway thought i'd play along and rang the phone number (which didnt even have country codes or area code) but i figured i'd try Londons code. To my amazement I got a recorded message saying it was the company i was after and out of hours. I rang back later and got onto a very un-english sounding man he asked for my name etc and confirmed that i was the lucky winner. He wanted my drivers licence (told him i didnt drive) and that they would be in touch. Sure enough he did ring back several times, wanting bank a/c details.

 

It all did sound very legitimate. I rang the Australian authorities and told them about what was going on, they were going to look into it but werent hopeful of catching anyone. I explained to them that the landline I rang in London sounded like it was being diverted to a mobile, and the man was not English.

 

There are heaps of scams and it is easy to see how people do get sucked in, as this sounded so real, yet too good to be true, also a search revealed there was no such swepstake, it sounded very very similar to a legit one though.

 

 

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In reply to: trinity on Tuesday 23/11/04 02:13pm

Howdy all.

 

I too received an email (about a year or so ago) telling me I had won a $2mil prize from an online lotto game. I had actullay participated in one or two free lotto games some time before I received the email which also contained a link to a legitimate company (I assume they spoofed the web site). These people said they were agents for the lotto company and would pass my prize on to me after I sent them a "small" sum of money for handling charges or alternatively I could go and pick the prize up for no charge. They also provided a phone number to rign. I rang the number and got a guy who spoke with pretty good english. I told him I was in Australia and I wasn't going to travel to Africa to pick up my prize and that they could just transfer the money directly in to my bank account. He came up with a few flaky excuses as to why they couldn't do that and assured me it was safe to send the small fee and I would receive a cheque for my prize in a couple of days. I strung them along for awhile until I got bored and stopped responding to their email.

 

Tez.

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The Top Internet Commandments

 

 

12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.

 

11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***

 

10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.

 

9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.

 

8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.

 

7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!

 

6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.

 

5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.

 

4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click "Reply to all."

 

3. Thou shall not call thyself "Richard P. Smith" online when "Chesty LaRue" sounds so much better.

 

2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.

 

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife - and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.

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http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/graduated.gif LEGGY

 

Computer Viruses Part 3

 

 

THE AL GORE Virus...

(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)

 

THE CLINTON Virus...

(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)

 

THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)

 

THE RONALD REAGAN virus...

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)

 

THE JESSE JACKSON virus...

(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)

 

THE MIKE TYSON virus...

(Quits after two bytes.)

 

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...

(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-

stabilize around 200mb.)

 

THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...

(Deletes all old files.)

 

THE PROZAC virus...

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)

 

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...

(Only attacks minor files.)

 

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)

 

And last but not least....THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)

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http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/graduated.gif How To Shower

 

 

How to Shower Like a Woman

 

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

 

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

 

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

 

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

 

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

 

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

 

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

 

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

 

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

 

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

 

12. Shave armpits and legs.

 

13. Turn off shower.

 

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

 

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

 

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

 

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

 

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

 

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

 

How To Shower Like a Man

 

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

 

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

 

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

 

4. Get in the shower.

 

5. Wash your face.

 

6. Wash your armpits.

 

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

 

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

 

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

 

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

 

11. Shampoo your hair.

 

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

 

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

 

14. Pee.

 

15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)

 

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

 

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

 

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

 

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

 

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

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Another quiz for you to try

 

4 W on a C = 4 wheels on a car

1. 26 L of the A

2. 7 D of the W

3. 1001 A N

4. 12 S of the Z

5. 54 C in a D (including Js)

6. 9 P in the S S

7. 88 P K

8. 7 S on the A F

9. 18 H on a G C

10. 32 D F at which W F

11. 90 D in a R A

12. 200 D when you P G in M

13. 8 S on a S S

14. 3 B M (S H T R)

15. 4 Q in a G

16. 24 H in a D

17. 1 W on a U

18. 4 D in a P C

19. 57 H V

20. 18 P on a F T

21. 1000 W that a P is W

22. 29 D in F in a L Y

23. 64 S on a C B

24. 40 D and N of the G F

25. 8 B in a B

 

Ferg http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/graduated.gif

 

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hmmm here's one Ive just received (perhaps in time for Christmas? http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/weirdsmiley.gif )

 

 

 

 

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

 

 

 

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

 

 

 

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn

beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.

Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

 

 

 

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

 

 

 

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

 

 

 

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

 

 

 

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines

with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive

age-blasting cosmetics.

 

 

 

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

 

 

 

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,

and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

 

 

 

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

 

 

 

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

 

 

 

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

 

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