A little Friday humour

[joules mm1]

Jesskierâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ @JessCluess The headline's good, but the rest is even better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[alonso]

I always thought the way to do it was take drugs then go to space.

 

I wondered where Jesus was hiding when we needed him.

 

 

 

[mullokintyre]

It seems Jesus was hiding at a party in Venezuela.

From theAustralian

comes a story about the jetsetting elites holding a big party on a carribbean island

 

Among the young revellers was Jesus Amoroso, son of Mr MadÃâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚­uroâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s top anti-corruption official, who has been sanctioned by the US Treasury Department for allegedly undermining Venezuelaâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s demoÃâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚­cÃâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚­racy.

 

Ask and you shall receive.

Mick

[nipper]

common name in Spanish speaking cultures . Bit like Mohammed and variations in Arab lands

[nipper]

Bought a jigsaw puzzle the other day. Thought it could keep me busy over the next few months. Opened it up, and it said; "Suitable for 3 to 5 years"

[mullokintyre]

Do you really think you can do a jigsaw for 3 to 5 years?

I couldn't last that long.

Mick

[mullokintyre]

Was going to put this in the covid 19 thread, but thought the better of it.

From The onion

 

 

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus, further study has revealed several serious side effects, among them the fact that 100% of these participants also had their heads blown clean off,âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky, explaining that the vaccine had prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls, but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun. âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“We donâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢t know for certain if the firearmâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments, so further study is required. But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Fortunately, we will soon begin human clinical trials on other possible treatments, such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ In his most recent press briefing, President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“nothing to loseâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure.

 

Standard onion humour.

Mick

[mullokintyre]

 

 

An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 am and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Iâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out lateâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ>

The officer then asked, âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Really? Whoâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s giving the lecture at this time of night?âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ

The man replied, âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“That would be my wifeâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

Mick

[nipper]

It could be Friday (lost track)

 

 

Coronacoaster: The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. Youâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next (i.e., an emotional coronacoaster).

 

Quarantinis: Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. These are sipped at âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“locktail" hour, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week.

 

Blue Skype thinking: A work brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Zoomposium." Naturally, they are to be avoided if at all possible.

 

Le Creuset wrist: Itâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s the new âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“avocado handâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ - an aching arm after taking oneâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‹Ã…“Clap For Carers.âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢ It might be heavy but youâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

 

Coronials: As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Generation Câââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ or, more spookily, âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Children of the Quarn."

 

Furlough Merlot: Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of isolation. Also known as âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“bored-eauxâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ or âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“cabernet tedium"

 

Coronadose: An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis.

 

The elephant in the Zoom: The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention (e.g., one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background).

 

Quentin Quarantino: An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which theyâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

 

Covidiot or Wuhan-ker: One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“covidiocyâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ or be âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“covidiotic." Also called a âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“lockclownâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’‚ or even a âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Wuhan-ker"

 

Goutbreak: The sudden fear that youâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval kingâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢s.

 

Antisocial distancing: Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating.

 

Mask-ara: Extra make-up applied to one's eye before venturing out in public wearing a face mask.

 

Covid-10: The 10 lbs.that weâââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¾Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¢re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as âââہ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“fattening the curve

[early birds]

https://au.yahoo.com/news/vienna-police-fin...-205840251.html

 

 

Man fined $800 over 'massive intestinal wind'

Associated Press

Yahoo News Australia3 days ago

A man in Vienna has been fined 500 euros (AU$817) for breaking wind loudly in front of police — a move that the Austrian capital’s police force was at pains to defend on Tuesday (local time).

 

The Oesterreich newspaper reported the fine stemmed from an incident on June 5 and the offender was fined for “offending public decencyâ€.

 

City police wrote on Twitter “of course no one is reported for accidentally ‘letting one go’.â€

 

They added the man had behaved “provocatively and uncooperatively†during an encounter with officers that preceded the incident.

 

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can a person hold on his/her farts, i just imagine the guy who let it go must feel the relieve , but paid $800 bucks for that is expensive .imho

must be feel good through afterwards.