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A little Friday humour


mminion

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Ha, ha! The murderous dictator, Kim Jung Un, might just have a mean sense of humour. Lots of speculation around as to why Mr Kim used such a huge envelope for the letter he sent to Donald Trump. Check out the photo of Mr Trump holding the envelope in the article to see how big it was.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/pushing-the-en...was-so-massive/

In fact, the envelope is so big that it makes Mr Trump's hands look quite tiny. That just happens to be a cheap taunt - that Trump has really small hands (and by inference, a small dick) - that over the years Trump has been particularly sensitive about. Pay back for Trump's jibe about Kim being short and fat?

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

THE CREATION OF THE BIG PICTURE

 

In the beginning was The Plan.

 

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was completely without Substance.

And Darkness fell upon the face of the Workers.

 

And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying:

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“Behold, It is a Crock of Shit, and it StinkethÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, and sayeth:

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“It is a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the odour thereofÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Managers went unto their Directors, and sayeth unto them:

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide itÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Directors went in unto their Assistant Secretary, and sayeth unto him:

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“It is Vessel of Fertiliser; and none can abide its StrengthÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Assistant Secretary went unto the Deputy Secretary and sayeth unto him:

It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strongÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Deputy Secretary went unto the Secretary and sayeth unto him:

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“It promotes growth, and it is very powerfulÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Secretary went unto the Minister and sayeth unto him:

This powerful new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of the DepartmentÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¦ÃƒÆ’Æâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¦and this Office in particularÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

And the Minister looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

 

And in time, the Plan became Policy.

 

Mick

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  • 4 weeks later...

Enjoy. Max volume!

Subject:
Shell Oil commercial - You might forget this is an oil commercial so enjoy the sights, speeds, and sounds of this one.

 

 

Here's a link to a Shell commercial shown in Europe.

Can you just imagine the red tape, permits and cost to pull off
this commercial?

 

Ostensibly, they're selling gasoline, but the cars used in the video steal the show.

 

Ferrari pulled several of their race cars from various ages out of storage, flew them around the world and filmed them running through the streets of Rome, Rio, New York, Hong Kong,
Honolulu and Monaco.

 

No computer graphics, these are the original cars on the original streets.

The best part is the sound from the basso-profundo notes of the early, front-engine era, each scene cuts to a later generation, ending with the wail of a modern F1 car.

 

Even if you're not a petrolhead, this video will stir the soul.

 

There's just something about 3 litres and 14,000 RPM!

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Subject: Doctor in Dublin

 

 

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work, so he approached his assistant!

 

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic so I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."

 

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

 

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

 

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

 

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

 

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

 

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the turd one?" asks the doctor.

 

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen a man!'

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

 

 

"I put drops in her eyes, and sent her to Specsavers.

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  • 1 month later...

THE BANKING ROYAL COMMISSION

 

 

 

Pause for thought

 

 

 

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

 

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."

 

Immediately all the people in the bank lay on the floor quietly and without panic.

 

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the situation.

 

 

 

One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner.

 

The robber approached her saying, "Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.

 

Please behave accordingly."

 

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

 

 

 

While running from the bank the youngest robber, who had a college degree, said to the oldest robber, who had barely finished elementary school:

 

"Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?" The older man replied:

 

"Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."

 

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

 

 

 

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen".

 

"Wait, said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."

 

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

 

 

 

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.

 

"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking.

 

Maybe it's better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

 

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

 

 

 

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

 

 

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