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A little Friday humour


mminion

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Not sure if it fits under this heading, but as it elicited a smile, I guess this is as good a place to share it as any.

 

The Urine test (This was written by a worker on an off-shore oil rig.)

What he says makes a lot of sense!

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

 

In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.

 

Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?

 

Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.

I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse, drinking booze, smoking dope and generally taking all kinds of drugs.

Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?

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Man Flu - The Facts...

 

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

 

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from

a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the

rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

 

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is

medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ãƒâ€¦Ã‚¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬Ãƒâ€Â¦ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ãƒâ€¦Ã¢â‚¬Å“ which, if a man caught, he would

still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in

all other kinds of manly activities.

 

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans

of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

 

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple

requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so

much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

 

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of

other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

 

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and

come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition

amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest

heroes this country has ever known.

 

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full

blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell

off.

 

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The

A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady

medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of

Man-Flu.

 

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying

'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact

pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing

powers.

 

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all

we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and

your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this

monstrous disease together...

 

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I went to the Patent Office to register some of my inventions. I went to the

main desk to sign in, and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be

filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had

invented.

 

I said, "A folding bottle."

 

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

 

I said, "I call it a Fottle."

 

"What else do you have?" she said.

 

I told her, "A folding carton."

 

"What do you call it?"

 

"A Farton."

 

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them

sounds kind of crude."

 

I was so upset by her comment, that I grabbed the form and left the office

without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

 

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Finally here's the truth......................

 

Imagine living with 4 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years: It has now been revealed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

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"October is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February."

 

- Mark Twain (A writer by trade and yet so fluent in other fields as well. This man never ceases to amaze me.)

 

//----//

 

A broker was dismayed when a brand new real estate office much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST AGENTS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST COMMISSIONS.' The broker panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own real estate office. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

 

//----//

 

A new employee at the stock brokerage saw a gorgeous woman walk past. "Wow !" he said to his mentor. "Exactly what does she do."

 

"Not a whole lot." replied his mentor. "She's one of our gilt-edged negotiable blondes."

 

//----//

 

Two stockbrokers went out to lunch together. One said to the other, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for a change."

 

"Good idea. Let's talk about women."

 

"Okay... Common or preferred?"

 

//----//

 

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Just Juan

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Subject: Greek economy

 

You might be interested to know that I just received news out of Athens that The Greek Government has shut down the production of Tzatsiki and Taramasalata in order to reduce the fears of a double dip recession.

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