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A little Friday humour


mminion

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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

 

For those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

 

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

 

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

 

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

 

"No Way!"

 

"Yes way!"

 

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

 

"Why"

 

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

 

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

 

"Then why did you?" said the Father

 

"I don't know," said Eve.

 

"She started it!" Adam said

 

"Did not!"

 

"Did too!"

 

"DID NOT!"

 

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

 

 

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

 

 

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

 

 

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

 

 

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

 

 

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

 

 

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

 

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

 

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

 

AND FINALLY:

 

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

 

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

 

 

 

Have a good day,

Trinity

 

 

 

 

 

 

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In reply to: texas4qld on Wednesday 27/10/04 08:31am

Texas this is for you (the one I owe you) http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/hypocrite.gif

 

 

CAT TEST

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine, Foster, & Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It involves three simple steps: 1) place testee in empty room facing far wall; 2) place cat in center of room, close and latch door; 3) after 10 minutes, open the door. Algozzine et al., note that the CAT TEST allows fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance . They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results:

 

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE--- four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.

 

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT--- fur scattered randomly about room and on testee - cat alive, still cold.

 

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE)--- pieces of cat scattered randomly about room - cat terminated.

 

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE)--- pieces of testee scattered randomly about the room - emotionally stability of cat suspect.

 

4. SEVERE PATHOLOGY--- only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about testee's head - cat assumed terminated.

 

5. PARANIOD REACTION--- testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive and sleeping in center of room.

 

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION--- testee in center of room carrying on long existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

 

7. NEUROTIC REACTION--- testee asking for advise about migraine headache - cat alive and still confused.

 

8. CATATONIC REACTION--- testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on end, hissing, and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive and confused.

 

 

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science (including psychology) and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper, or company announcement

 

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

 

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

 

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

 

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

 

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

 

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

 

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

 

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

 

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

 

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

 

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

 

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

 

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumour has it.

 

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

 

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

 

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it

 

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.

 

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOGGS FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Bloggs did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

 

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

 

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER 1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.

 

 

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In reply to: kathy on Thursday 28/10/04 01:34pm

http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/laughingsmiley.gif Good thing I'm a dog person http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/laughingsmiley.gif

 

Tex.

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lol, Christmas isnt that far away-so I'm getting in first

 

 

 

 

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

 

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

 

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

 

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

 

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

 

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

 

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

 

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

 

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http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/wink.gif

post-20-1098949500.jpg

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find the bird ! http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/blink.gif

post-20-1098950522.jpg

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The accent has it

 

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

 

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

 

 

 

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

 

 

 

 

 

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

 

http://www.ShareScene.com/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif

 

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Paddy called Mick on the phone.

Paddy: "Mick, I can't work out my new Jigsaw Puzzle. It seems like all the edges won't fit together"

Mick: " What sort of picture is on the box? "

Paddy: " The box shows a big Rooster, kinda like a cartoon one. "

Mick : " OK. I'll come over to help you. "

Mick arrives at Paddy's place where he happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Mick examines the puzzle and says " Paddy, put the corn flakes back in the box! "

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