Jump to content

A little Friday humour


mminion

Recommended Posts

J.Fo quite good some of it!! The three weeks in the USA and Flash Drive Infringement were good. Cheers V1

 

Having purchased a heavy gauge shotgun and armour piercing rounds from Walmart for the equivalent price of a carton of cigarettes in Australia, I befriended a local farm boy named Chuck by making up aboriginal words and telling lies about Australian fauna (it is now a fact in Virginia that Koalas, known as Boogawigs in the native aboriginal language, communicate with each other through song and weave themselves jackets from gum leaves during winter).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 7.7k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla. One

is from Canberra, another from Melbourne, and the third one is from

Perth.

All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some

measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil.

"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for

materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me".

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then

says "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew

and $100 profit for me".

The Perth contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to

thegovernment official and whispers "$2,700".

The government official, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure

like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Perth contractor whispers back "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,

and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence".

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan is

working.................

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

 

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

 

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair, and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

 

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

 

The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

 

 

 

 

now scroll down

 

 

 

down

 

 

 

 

down

 

 

 

 

further down

 

 

 

 

one more

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the f**k makes you think I'd give any to you"?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Subject: Involuntary Muscular Contractions

 

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary

Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the

mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what

your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In another Anatomy 101, the Prof asks "Which part of the human anatomy can be stimulated to change its diameter up to 5-fold?"

Apart from some female giggles, there is an embarrassed silence.

Finally one lonely hand goes up and the student has the answer: "the eye's pupil."

 

"That is correct" says the Prof, "and I suggest, you young lady in the back row better scale down your expectations."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Subject: Drafting into military service

 

 

Read this and make your day...

 

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former

Soldier-

 

 

New Direction for any war: Only Send Diggers over 60!

 

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down towelhead

terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the

whole thing arse-about??. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they

ought to take us old bastards. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit

until you're at least 35.

 

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old buggers only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more

than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young blokes haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and believe me a cranky

Digger is a dangerous soldier. 'My friggin back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm

tired and hungry' We are all grumpy and impatient and maybe letting us kill

a few arse holes that desperately deserve it will make us feel much better

and shut us up for a while.

 

Most 18-year-old dont even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get

up early to have a piss so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired

and can't sleep and bugger it since I'm already up, I may as well shoot a

few fanatical SOB`s......

 

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put the

bastards eh ?. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real

stretch for most of us ..

 

Basic training camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to whinging and

getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also

developed an appreciation for guns. (we`ve seen all the old John Wayne

movies) and we've been using guns for years to shoot pesky wabits as an

excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming, nagging and

yelling. Whats more T/heads are bigger than wabbits anyway eh?

 

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat

and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with ropes hanging over one side and a

puddle on the other? ,. As for "push ups" 40 years of rootin the missus

should count for something eh?

 

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. Even I know

you cant outrun a friggin bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to

shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't

figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back

of his head.

 

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more

about life before sending them off into harm's way.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten mongrel terrorists.. The last

thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off nackered

old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best

years are already behind them.

 

 

***HEY !How about recruiting Women over 50 .......with PMS !!! You think us

old geezers have attitudes !!! Holy Shit the mind boggles eh!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that

during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a

single cow, born in Bourke almost three years ago, right

to the stall where she slept in the state of Victoria ?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 25,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ...

Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a

lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 100 years,

And we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

 

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments

Posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this --you cannot post

'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit

Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of

Lawyers, judges and politicians ..... It creates a

hostile work environment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...