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A little Friday humour


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Here's a good ole Kiwi Joke....But it maybe True...lol



An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi


'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'


Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'


Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'


Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'


Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)


Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)


Dog: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'


Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'


Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'


Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'


Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'


Horse: 'Cool'


Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)


Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)


Horse: 'Yep'


Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?


Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'


Kiwi: (total look of amazement)


Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'


Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f***** liar......'



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Tarzan mets Jane


When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?


'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.


Jane explained to him what sex was.


Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'


Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'


She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.


'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'


Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !


Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?'


Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

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Saw this in today's Fin Review:


Russia's avid pursuit of resource security through a gas joint venture with Nigeria has delivered it a classic branding disaster - they decided to call the company Nigaz.


The deal between Russia's Gazprom and Nigeria's state oil company agreed last week during a trip to Africa by Russia's President, Dmitry Medvedev, was supposed to show off the Kremlin's growing interest in Africa's energy reserves.


Instead, it's earned a place among memorable branding disasters such as Chevrolet's Nova, which failed to sell in South America because it means "doesn't go" in Spanish and Mitsubishi's Pajero, which translates as "wanker" in Spanish.


It also recalled other international branding mishaps, including the Ford Pinto, which in Brazil means small penis.


It is unclear why no one alerted Medvedev to the blunder.


Wonder whether they still send them to Siberia...


Whilst it can and does happen to the best of organisations - remember the mistake Secretary Clinton's team made on her first trip to Russia...




... a simple google would have alerted Gazprom of the dangerous territory they were entering: google "nigaz" and the first two entries set off the alarm bells.


BTW I thought it might just be another internet invention but no less than the Beeb is reporting the formation of the jv and its name as ridgey didge.



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That is indeed funny - but the question is: Will Dmitry really care? It is after all a Russian-Nigerian partnership, and he has no intention of setting up a branch in downtown New Orleans?
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mmm, there are a number of these such as the dubious mitsubishi "Starion".


one of my favourite ones was (from a "news" report in a comedy show) the amalgation of Cunard Lines with Aer Lingus........








The new company would be called Aer Cunard (dirty minds the lot of you).

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More mergers? Below are some of the latest merger rumours from Wall Street.


Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and Grace Brothers merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.


Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.


3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.


John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.


Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.


Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.


Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.


Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.


Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.


3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.


Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!


and finally: Xerox and Wurlitzer will start a JV to manufacture reproductive organs.



Quick Wit:


"My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, 'Mom, go for it!'" --- Sue Murphy


"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin


"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." -- Michael McShane



(source: ESD 105)

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True Newspaper Adverts: Cha is not happy...


8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!



1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father, Super Dog . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


Looks like a rat. Been out a while.

Better be a big reward.


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