A little Friday humour

[Cha]

What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything?

 

A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

[Cha]

A young man asked an elderly rich man how he made his money. 'Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last penny, so I invested that penny in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold that apple for ten pennies. 'T he next morning I bought two apples, spent the day polishing them and sold them for 20 pennies. I continued this for a month, by which time I'd accumulated a fortune of ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚£1.37. 'Then my wife's father died and left us ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚£2m.'

[Cha]

A director decided to award a prize of ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚£50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚£10.

[walbrook]

Interesting site

 

http://www.loveyourlook.com/Before-After/d...px?ppcsrc=webmd

[walbrook]

The Queen's Breasts

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

 

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try

to touch them, but he had to try.

 

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio

the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and

said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but

it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

 

 

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a

little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

 

 

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

 

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,

Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if

applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests

had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to

cure the itch.

 

 

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their

chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours,

Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

 

 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and

hailed as a hero.

 

 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his

payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't

have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to

the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

 

 

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching

powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

 

 

 

The moral of the story - Pay your bloody bills !!!

_________________

[walbrook]

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at

the same time."

 

She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."

[walbrook]

Son in law

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the

middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he

turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they

became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home

with her date. After being informed of the problem, their

daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to

shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young

man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,

'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when

he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

[mminion]

Sad but true...

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics...-false-leg.html

 

Man has electronic tag fitted to false leg

 

Bret Ravenhill, 29, was given the tag to ensure he obeyed a curfew after being convicted for the possession of cannabis.

 

He said a Group 4 security worker failed to notice that his left leg was made of metal and detachable.

 

Ravenhill, a forklift truck driver who lost the leg in a motorcycle crash six years ago, told The Sun: "Two friends were at my house when she came round and were killing themselves laughing.

 

"I thought she would realise straight away - but she never bothered to turn up my trouser leg or look underneath my sock. I just left things as they were for a joke."

 

Ravenhill was given probation by a judge but barred from going out at night for three months.

 

Despite security workers checking his tag every four weeks, none noticed it was attached to the metal leg.

 

He said: "I didn't break my curfew once - but I could have been out living it up every night. I'm no danger to the public - but what if they'd done the same thing to an armed robber?"

 

David Hanson, the justice minister, told the newspaper: "I am very concerned."

 

A spokesman for Group 4 added: "It would appear that in this instance the procedure has not been followed."

[balance]

Imagine if he was busted whilst out on the town breaking his curfew and apparently at home in front of the tv.

Wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

[draughtsman]

Some "Senior" personal ads seen in newspapers:

 

FOXY LADY:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,

80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),

searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.

Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.

Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

 

SERENITY NOW:

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,

take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

 

WINNING SMILE:

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser

to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

 

BEATLES OR STONES?

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

 

MEMORIES:

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

 

MINT CONDITION:

Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,

many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.

Isn't in running condition, but walks well.