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A little Friday humour


mminion

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Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him,

 

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that

goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

 

The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the

middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the

driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.

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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

 

The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

 

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

 

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 

Man: "What sins?"

 

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 

Man: "I'm Jewish."

 

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

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Hey cheers Andy! Here I was thinkin it woz pure magic http://www.sharescene.com/html/emoticons/cool.gif

 

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is

Unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries

A few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to

An American Indian medicine man.The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That

Said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with

Billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can

Only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall

Rise for as long as you wish! The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over,

And I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it

Will go down. But bewarned -- it will not work again for another year!" Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers

And prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers,

Shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and

Lying next to her says,"123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in

His life .. Just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been

Facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?" And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

 

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From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

 

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

 

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

 

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the said ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“IÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¾Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken.ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ

 

ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“I doubt it,ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ said the man, ÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Â¦ÃƒƒÂ¢Ãƒ¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…âہ“tonight IÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¾Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢m the designated decoyÃÆâ€â„¢ÃƒÆ’ƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¢ÃƒÆ’¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢Ã¢â€š¬Ã…¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÆ’…¡Ãƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚¬ÃƒÆ’â€Å¡Ãƒƒâہ¡ÃƒÆ’‚ÂÂ.

 

 

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> Subject: FW: Arab Suicides Explained

>

>

>>

>>

>> > Politically Incorrect but .........

>>

>>

>>

>> Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit

>> suicide. Let's see now:

>>

>> No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or

>> Penthouse, no Teasers, no rugby, no football, no basketball, no

>> baseball, no golf, no dancing, no music.

>>

>> No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts

>> and braless beauties.

>>

>> No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no

>> lobster, no shellfish or even frozen seafood sticks. No Christmas!

>>

>> Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from

>> the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant

>> wailing from the guy in the tower.

>>

>> You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't even shave

>> your wife.

>>

>> Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your

>> backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they catch you

>> stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat with your shitty

>> hand. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over

>> burning camel dung.

>>

>> The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

>>

>> Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your

>> camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

>>

>> Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 27 virgins

>> and it all gets better!

>>

>> So... Nope... No mystery here!

 

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This one is an oldie but goodie and one of my faves. Ain't God great? http://www.sharescene.com/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif -

 

 

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

 

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.

 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of

him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to

strike him.

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh, my God!..." Time stopped.

The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon

the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

 

The Atheist looked directly into the light, "it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

 

Said the Voice, "Very well." The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

 

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."

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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

 

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and then St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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