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"English as she is spoke"


henrietta

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How's this for english. I can read it :P

 

Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

 

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

 

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frs it and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

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Hi forrest ...... my humble apologies

 

Much more fun than looking at dwindling share portfolios. Nothing like airing your pet peeves to make you feel better.

 

MME

So what does it mean if you can read it??

 

It means you can read !! Also means you're part of the majority. I suspect that it also means you are not bad at spelling.

 

Arty ........ there are plenty of people who simply can't spell. Very well educated people as well. Seems it's just another talent, like most other things.

 

 

Cheers all

 

J :P

 

 

 

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I love this

 

"How I met my wife", by Jack Winter

 

 

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.

 

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to risk it.

 

But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of. I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.

 

So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings. Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself. She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

 

Cheers

J

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Excellent stuff :)

 

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow how to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

 

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant - nor ham in

hamburger; neither apple nor pine in

pineapple. English muffins weren't invented

in England or French fries in France.

 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't

sweet, are meat. We take English for granted - but if we

explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work

slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is

neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that

writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,

and hammers don't ham?

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"English is a Crazy Language"

From: "Crazy English"

By Richard Lederer

 

English has acquired the largest vocabulary of all the world's

languages, perhaps as many as two million words, and has generated one

of the noblest bodies of literature in the annals of the human race.

Nonetheless, it is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy

language -- the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues.

 

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a

driveway?

 

In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?

 

Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?

 

Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a

shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy?

 

Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

 

Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the

private mess?

 

Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we

put print on it, we call it a newspaper?

 

Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who

ride bikes called cyclists?

 

Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell?

 

Language is like the air we breathe. It's invisible, inescapable,

indispensable, and we take it for granted. But, when we take the time to

step back and listen to the sounds that escape from the holes in

people's faces and to explore the paradoxes and vagaries of English, we

find that hot dogs can be cold, darkrooms can be lit, homework can be

done in school, nightmares can take place in broad daylight while

morning sickness and daydreaming can take place at night, tomboys are

girls and midwives can be men, hours -- especially happy hours and rush

hours -- often last longer than sixty minutes, quicksand works very

slowly, boxing rings are square, silverware and glasses can be made of

plastic and tablecloths of paper, most telephones are dialed by being

punched (or pushed?), and most bathrooms don't have any baths in them.

In fact, a dog can go to the bathroom under a tree -- no bath, no room;

it's still going to the bathroom. And doesn't it seem, a little bizarre

that we go to the bathroom in order to go to the bathroom?

 

Why is it that a woman can man a station but a man can't woman one,

that a man can father a movement but a woman can't mother one, and that

a king rules a kingdom but a queen doesn't rule a queendom? How did all

those Renaissance men reproduce when there don't seem to have been any

Renaissance women?

 

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be

committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:

 

In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the

second hand?

 

Why do they call them apartments when they're all together?

 

Why do we call them buildings, when they're already built?

 

Why it is called a TV set when you get only one?

 

Why is phonetic not spelled phonetically?

 

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?

 

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

 

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

 

Why is diminutive so undiminutive?

 

Why does the word monosyllabic consist of five syllables?

 

Why is there no synonym for synonym or thesaurus?

 

And why, pray tell, does lisp have an s in it?

 

English is crazy.

 

If adults commit adultery, do infants commit infantry? If olive oil

is made from olives, what do they make baby oil from? If a vegetarian

eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume? If pro and con are

opposites, is congress the opposite of progress?

 

Why can you call a woman a mouse but not a rat -- a kitten but not a

cat? Why is it that a woman can be a vision, but not a sight -- unless

your eyes hurt? Then she can be "a sight for sore eyes."

 

A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that

stings. But fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, hammers don't ham,

humdingers don't humding, ushers don't ush, and haberdashers do not

haberdash.

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be

beeth? One goose, two geese -- so one moose, two meese? One index, two

indices -- one Kleenex, two Kleenices? If people ring a bell today and

rang a bell yesterday, why don't we say that they flang a ball? If they

wrote a letter, perhaps they also bote their tongue. If the teacher

taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught? Why is it that

the sun shone yesterday while I shined my shoes, that I treaded water

and then trod on the beach, and that I flew out to see a World Series

game in which my favorite player flied out?

 

If we conceive a conception and receive at a reception, why don't we

grieve a greption and believe a beleption? If a firefighter fights fire,

what does a freedom fighter fight? If a horsehair mat is made from the

hair of horses, from what is a mohair coat made?

 

A slim chance and a fat chance are the same, as are a caregiver and

a caretaker, a bad licking and a good licking, and "What's going on?"

and "What's coming off?" But a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.

How can sharp speech and blunt speech be the same and quite a lot and

quite a few the same, while overlook and oversee are opposites? How can

the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell the next?

 

If button and unbutton and tie and untie are opposites, why are

loosen and unloosen and ravel and unravel the same? If bad is the

opposite of good, hard the opposite of soft, and up the opposite of

down, why are badly and goodly, hardly and softly, and upright and

downright not opposing pairs? If harmless actions are the opposite of

harmful actions, why are shameful and shameless behavior the same and

pricey objects less expensive than priceless ones? If appropriate and

inappropriate remarks and passable and impassable mountain trails are

opposites, why are flammable and inflammable materials, heritable and

inheritable property, and passive and impassive people the same? How can

valuable objects be less valuable than invaluable ones? If uplift is the

same as lift up, why are upset and set up opposite in meaning? Why are

pertinent and impertinent, canny and uncanny, and famous and infamous

neither opposites nor the same? How can raise and raze and reckless and

wreckless be opposites when each pair contains the same sound?

 

Why is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they

are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible; that when

I clip a coupon from a newspaper I separate it, but when I clip a coupon

to a newspaper, I fasten it; and that when I wind up my watch, I start

it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

 

English is a crazy language.

 

How can expressions like "I'm mad about my flat," "No football

coaches allowed," "I'll come by in the morning and knock you up," and

"Keep your pecker up" convey such different messages in two countries

that purport to speak the same English?

 

How can it be easier to assent than to dissent but harder to ascend

than to descend? Why is it that a man with hair on his head has more

hair than a man with hairs on his head; that if you decide to be bad

forever, you choose to be bad for good; and that if you choose to wear

only your left shoe, then your left one is right and your right one is

left? Right?

 

Small wonder that we English users are constantly standing meaning

on its head. Let's look at a number of familiar English words and

phrases that turn out to mean the opposite or something very different

from what we think they mean:

 

A waiter. Why do they call those food servers waiters, when it's the

customers who do the waiting?

 

I could care less. I couldn't care less is the clearer, more

accurate version. Why do so many people delete the negative from this

statement? Because they are afraid that the n't...less combination will

make a double negative, which is a no-no.

 

I really miss not seeing you. Whenever people say this to me, I feel

like responding, "All right, I'll leave!" Here speakers throw in a

gratuitous negative, not, even though I really miss seeing you is what

they want to say.

 

The movie kept me literally glued to my seat. The chances of our

buttocks being literally epoxied to a seat are about as small as the

chances of our literally rolling in the aisles while watching a funny

movie or literally drowning in tears while watching a sad one. We

actually mean The movie kept me figuratively glued to my seat -- but who

needs figuratively, anyway?

 

A non-stop flight. Never get on one of these. You'll never get down.

 

A near miss. A near miss is, in reality, a collision. A close call

is actually a near hit.

 

My idea fell between the cracks. If something fell between the

cracks, didn't it land smack on the planks or the concrete? Shouldn't

that be my idea fell into the cracks (or between the boards)?

 

A hot water heater. Who heats hot water? This is similar to garbage

disposal. Actually, the stuff isn't garbage until after you dispose of it.

 

A hot cup of coffee. Here again the English language gets us in hot

water. Who cares if the cup is hot? Surely we mean a cup of hot coffee.

 

Doughnut holes. Aren't those little treats really doughnut balls?

The holes are what's left in the original doughnut. (And if a candy cane

is shaped like a cane, why isn't a doughnut shaped like a nut?)

 

I want to have my cake and eat it too. Shouldn't this timeworn

cliche be I want to eat my cake and have it too? Isn't the logical

sequence that one hopes to eat the cake and then still possess it?

 

A one-night stand. So who's standing? Similarly, to sleep with

someone. Who's sleeping?

 

I'll follow you to the ends of the earth. Let the word go out to the

four corners of the earth that ever since Columbus we have known that

the earth doesn't have any ends.

 

It's neither here nor there. Then where is it?

 

Extraordinary. If extra-fine means "even finer than fine" and

extra-large "even larger than large," why doesn't extraordinary mean

"even more ordinary than ordinary"?

 

The first century B.C. These hundred years occurred much longer ago

than people imagined. What we call the first century B.C. was, in fact

the last century B.C.

 

Daylight saving time. Not a single second of daylight is saved by

this ploy.

 

The announcement was made by a nameless official. Just about

everyone has a name, even officials. Surely what is meant is "The

announcement was made by an unnamed official."

 

Preplan, preboard, preheat, and prerecord. Aren't people who do this

simply planning, boarding, heating, and recording? Who needs the

pretentious prefix? I have even seen shows "prerecorded before a live

audience," certainly preferable to prerecording before a dead audience.

 

Pull up a chair. We don't really pull a chair up; we pull it along

the ground. We don't pick up the phone; we pick up the receiver. And we

don't really throw up; we throw out.

 

Put on your shoes and socks. This is an exceedingly difficult

maneuver. Most of us put on our socks first, then our shoes.

 

A hit-and-run play. If you know your baseball, you know that the

sequence constitutes "a run-and-hit play."

 

The bus goes back and forth between the terminal and the airport.

Again we find mass confusion about the order of events. You have to go

forth before you can go back.

 

I got caught in one of the biggest traffic bottlenecks of the year.

The bigger the bottleneck, the more freely the contents of the bottle

flow through it. To be true to the metaphor, we should say, I got caught

in one of the smallest traffic bottlenecks of the year.

 

Underwater and underground. Things that we claim are underwater and

underground are obviously surrounded by, not under the water and ground.

 

I lucked out. To luck out sounds as if you're out of luck. Don't you

mean I lucked in?

 

Because we speakers and writers of English seem to have our heads

screwed on backwards, we constantly misperceive our bodies, often saying

just the opposite of what we mean:

 

Watch your head. I keep seeing this sign on low doorways, but I

haven't figured out how to follow the instructions. Trying to watch your

head is like trying to bite your teeth.

 

They're head over heels in love. That's nice, but all of us do

almost everything head over heels. If we are trying to create an image

of people doing cartwheels and somersaults, why don't we say, They're

heels over head in love?

 

Put your best foot forward. Now let's see.... We have a good foot

and a better foot -- but we don't have a third -- and best -- foot. It's

our better foot we want to put forward. This grammar atrocity is akin to

May the best team win. Usually there are only two teams in the contest.

Similarly, in any list of bestsellers. only the most popular book is

genuinely a bestseller. All the rest are bettersellers.

 

Keep a stiff upper lip. When we are disappointed or afraid, which

lip do we try to control? The lower lip, of course, is the one we are

trying to keep from quivering.

 

I'm speaking tongue in cheek. So how can anyone understand you?

 

Skinny. If fatty means "full of fat," shouldn't skinny mean "full of

skin"?

 

They do things behind my back. You want they should do things in

front of your back?

 

They did it ass backwards. What's wrong with that? We do everything

ass backwards.

 

English is weird.

 

In the rigid expressions that wear tonal grooves in the record of

our language, beck can appear only with call, cranny with nook, hue with

cry, main with might, fettle only with fine, aback with taken, caboodle

with kit. and spick and span only with each other. Why must all shrifts

be short, all lucre filthy, all bystanders innocent, and all bedfellows

strange? I'm convinced that some shrifts are lengthy and that some lucre

is squeaky clean, and I've certainly met guilty bystanders and perfectly

normal bedfellows.

 

Why is it that only swoops are fell? Sure, the verbivorous William

Shakespeare invented the expression "one fell swoop," but why can't

strokes, swings, acts, and the like also be fell? Why are we allowed to

vent our spleens but never our kidneys or livers? Why must it be only

our minds that are boggled and never our eyes or our hearts? Why can't

eyes and jars be ajar, as well as doors? Why must aspersions always be

cast and never hurled or lobbed?

 

Doesn't it seem just a little wifty that we can make amends but

never just one amend; that no matter how carefully we comb through the

annals of history, we can never discover just one annal; that we can

never pull a shenanigan, be in a doldrum, eat an egg Benedict, or get

just one jitter, a willy, a delirium tremen, or a heebie-jeebie. Why,

sifting through the wreckage of a disaster, can we never find just one

smithereen?

 

Indeed, this whole business of plurals that don't have matching

singulars reminds me to ask this burning question, one that has puzzled

scholars for decades: If you have a bunch of odds and ends and you get

rid of or sell off all but one of them, what do you call that doohickey

with which you're left?

 

What do you make of the fact that we can talk about certain things

and ideas only when they are absent? Once they appear, our blessed

English doesn't allow us to describe them. Have you ever seen a horseful

carriage or a strapful gown? Have you ever run into someone who was

combobulated, sheveled, gruntled, chalant, plussed, ruly, gainly,

maculate, pecunious, or peccable? Have you ever met a sung hero or

experienced requited love? I know people who are no spring chickens, but

where, pray tell, are the people who are spring chickens? Where are the

people who actually would hurt a fly? All the time I meet people who are

great shakes, who can cut the mustard, who can fight City Hall, who are

my cup of tea, who would lift a finger to help, who would give you the

time of day, and whom I would touch with a ten-foot pole, but I can't

talk about them in English -- and that is a laughing matter.

 

If the truth be told, all languages are a little crazy. As Walt

Whitman might proclaim, they contradict themselves. That's because

language is invented, not discovered, by boys and girls and men and

women, not computers. As such, language reflects the creative and

fearful asymmetry of the human race, which, of course, isn't really a

race at all.

 

That's why we wear a pair of pants but, except on very cold days,

not a pair of shirts. That's why men wear a bathing suit and bathing

trunks at the same time. That's why brassiere is singular but panties is

plural. That's why there's a team in Toronto called the Maple Leafs and

another in Minnesota called the Timberwolves.

 

That's why six, seven, eight, and nine change to sixty, seventy,

eighty, and ninety, but two, three, four, and five do not become twoty,

threety, fourty, and fivety. That's why first-degree murder is more

serious than third-degree murder but a third-degree burn is more serious

than a first-degree burn. That's why we can open up the floor, climb the

walls, raise the roof, pick up the house, and bring down the house.

 

In his essay "The Awful German Language," Mark Twain spoofs the

confusion engendered by German gender by translating literally from a

conversation in a German Sunday school book: "Gretchen. Wilhelm, where

is the turnip? Wilhelm. She has gone to the kitchen. Gretchen. Where is

the accomplished and beautiful English maiden? Wilhelm. It has gone to

the opera." Twain continues: "A tree is male, its buds are female, its

leaves are neuter; horses are sexless, dogs are male, cats are female --

tomcats included."

 

Still, you have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the English

language, in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off

and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in; in which

the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down -- a

gloriously wiggy tongue in which your house can simultaneously burn up

and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you fill

in a form by filling out a form, in which your alarm clock goes off by

going on, in which you are inoculated for measles by being inoculated

against measles, in which you add up a column of figures by adding them

down, and in which you first chop a tree down -- and then you chop it

up. (By Richard Lederer)

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Hi NS , yes the all new stuff.It's new or it is not.

Another is it's quite unique, absolutely unique.It's unique or it is not.Groan.

 

Forgot a few more that make me groan. If I hear another "going forward" in a blurb about a stock forecast I'll throw up.

CNBC has something to answer for there.

 

And the most overused words in the language at present must be absolutely and like.

Not to forget the misuse of random.

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